The Fanstastic Ms. Fox

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And this is where the dream becomes lucid. Not as in "aha, I'm dreaming!" more like, "coffee would be nice but I prefer agency."

Well. This place is closed this early. Let's see what's ahead - what's in the future for sex-work?
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My last attempt to sleep on a piece of wedding cake for three nights (in the hopes of divining my future in romance and/or marriage) resulted in a vivid dream of joining a five-person/four-gendered hub-mind.

(To deliberately bring about a dream is a practice known as "incubation")

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On Sunday, I went to Burnaby lake to enter a psilocybin-induced altered state. Each time, I discover new things.

I realize:

1 - Where I am right now may not be perfect, but it is the product of a long series of sensible choices; good decisions under disorienting cirucmstances. I guess that's good.



2 - (Speaking of "sensible choice:") Gender identity still confirmed. I have noticed that when I strip away habitual anxiety, there's a charming , sometimes happy, and often bewildereed me underneath who is more or less who I thought I would be. She's 21 though. ( Read more... )

3 - I feel sad and kinda distant. There has been a lot of loss and change recently. My Aunt died a month ago. There was no body to see, and I think I'm starting to feel it.( Read more... )

This said, in the last few more-lucid days, I have found the following:



(4) It is really good to see some of my old friends. We will hang out more often.

(5) Going to BCIT from SFU is like going to the moon.( Read more... )
Oh yeah. Things feel like they've gone back to "normal." Don't know why. Like the world returns to balance.

Here's an interesting exercise for you. Especially you larpers.

Make up a character. As you do so, describe the ways that you and the character differ, as if you were being appraised by a third party who knew you both very, very well. Go ahead and invent contrary aspects of your character. Trend towards character aspects that you'd like to play, to be, for a little bit. You are building a vacation persona.

The next stage I tried was designed for writers supposed to flesh out the character. You pretend to be a journalist or PR person or whatever in the world of the story, and you write an interview.

But, this being a larp character; one I play rather than write, I put two chairs facing each-other then switched back and forth until Janet kinda took over and started asking me questions, then scrutinizing my answers. Picking me apart. Knowing me very, very well. But from the perspective of a different person who's gotta get along with me. She starts going after why I want to play a contrasting character, draws some blood. It's good.

Sorting out. Things clicking in my head. It worked in a way I'd never expect it.

I got her some props, some appropriate costuming. Keep her up for longer in the future. This is good.

And I want to try this with a second person.

Oh yeah - anyone have advice on getting into a character or putting on a mask?

I open my eyes and the world comes back on me with a rush. Busy people. Flourescant lights. A gurney's edge.

"Where am I?"

Questions come back at me. Name. Birthdate. Etcetera.

This must be the post-OR room ("the post-operating room room"). I'd not seen it yet, only heard one of its occupants moaning.

I've been finding that, occasionally and unexpectedly, a sense of gratification, harmony or rightness surrounds me. This feeling of being happily embodied is new, and it tells me that I'm doing the right thing - whether that's "the right thing" is whatever I'm doing in the moment, or transition in general (probably both). This occurs most frequently at moments of genuine and often kinesthetic expression, unchecked by second-guessing; through movement, exertion, crying, creating art. It never occurs when looking in the mirror, nor has it come while pacing at a bus stop.

In tandem with this state, I usually perceive a semi-conscious image of me-now; a visual flicker in my mind as if I'm seeing myself viewed from elsewhere. It is a harmonious image; squaring with how my body feels, but seeing myself from outside carries a measure of disassociation with it, and I wonder what that means.

I would like to make these moments more frequent, as they seem to point to "yes, what you're doing is right for you." I am not sure how to do this.

Exercise seems to set it off. It can be climbing a steep hill, or using all limbs to scale a pile of concrete road-markers, or even carrying heavy groceries. In all cases, it's oddly gratifying, drawing me into present awareness.

I need to do some kind of a sport, I guess. The rec centre strike is over. Maybe I should see what's available? Something that doesn't involve a lot of running (i.e. no Soccer) on account of my knee, but which still require exertion. Suggestions? Locations?

Oh, right, I was thinking of taking up paintball.

I empathize. Both he and I were/are dealing with having the hormonal oscillations of an adolescant member of our preferred gender.

All this crazy hormone shit is good - it's really good - but it's interesting and, at times, six kinds of intense.