To paraphrase The Matrix

"Why does my clit hurt so much?"

"You've never used it before."

After surgery, I couldn't find my clitoris. The front end of my labia healed shut. They had to be re-opened. So I got it fixed in Vancouver. And when they opened me up, they cant; find my clitoris. But they can find a bit of white scar tissue. They tell me that my clitoris had necrotized. Died and fallen off.

This was a bit of a blow. The clit was, to me, the most important part of GRS.

Before and after that, I have weird feelings coming from the area. Like sandpaper on something sensitive. I have weird dreams about my genitals. And in my dreams, they are fully sensate. Presumably, these are phantom sensations, the remnants of nerve damage.

Flash forward three and a half years. I'm on a work trip to Europe (to sell a transgender sitcom to broadcasters). I stop in Montreal to see if there is some way to mitigate the damage.

"I knew the risks when I signed up for the surgery, but is there anything you can do."

They tell me that the problem is actually that my clitoral hood has sealed shut over my clitoris. The doctors out West weren't familiar with the technique.

(Insert joke about men not being to find the clitoris here)

Yesterday, I had surgery to open up my clitoral hood. It was fast and largely painless.

And today, as per instructions, I pushed the incision open and applied antibiotic creme.

Still not sure how well this will work. I'll find out.

I have an appointment to be assessed for sexual reassignment surgery. AKA "the big switch." AKA "genital surgery."

I am glad that I have an appointment, but I'm pissed off that I have to go through with assessment.  Really pissed off. As in having-trouble-sleeping-so-I'm-writing-it-down pissed off.

The present criteria for assessment for genital surgery, derived from the Harry Benjamen Standards of Care (or HBSC) are as follows:

And here is what pisses me off:

1. I have already gone through this, and don't see why I have to do it again.
2. This system is billed as "making sure we do what's right for the patient" but is mostly designed to cover doctor's asses.
3. This system is arbitrary
4. No. I mean really arbitrary
5. Really, really arbitary. Or should I say "homophobic?"
6. The in-role period makes no sense
7. This process is gratingly slow.
8. The assessment criteria are buggy
9. Many assessors act like jerks.
This is wrong. I don't like it, and I don't want to enable it.

FFS +5 Days

May. 5th, 2008 10:02 pm

Small children stare at me. Men offer me their seats.

Today (Monday), I can now eat my food, rather than mushing it. I still can't chew much, so  bread has to be soaked in soup. My lower face has de-swollen enough that I can use my voice - the one that sounds like me: it could be female or unisex or maybe like a T-Boi who just shot a little T, depending on who you ask, but it sounds right. I didn't realize how good it would be to have that back, or how hard it would be to use it.

The nerves in my scalp and lower lip are re-connecting.
It's hard to tell right now what the final results will be. I can feel that the bone has changed, but trying to find my face amidst the swelling is not easy.
The swelling is going down now. I can close my lips now, which makes eating not just easier, but possible. Everything looks like it's healing fine. Just under the swelling, there is a visible difference.

Yeah. Good choice.

Looking forward to being on the other side of this.

So I get to be done surgery (or at least this round of it) and there's some sort of substantial bodily improvement thrown in for free? Wow! That would explain why I agreed to this in the first place.

My only concern now is that they will do a good job.

- less than 36 hours to go -

Since it's the only game in town, I went ahead. Thank G-d for single-stall lockable washrooms. You need to apply it someplace, and you should use a glove if you don't want to numb your hand.

Now the crotch in my underwear is tinted pink, and my genitals smell like a combination of disinfectant and artificial cherry flavour.
I now have a scrip for anti-androgens in my wallet.
Hord on. What!?
I can now go and nix the sex hormones that have been with me since puberty.
Holy shit.

I may go and freeze some sperm first, or I may not.
(Or maybe I could sire a child, and freeze it - is this legal?)

Also: the note I got from the shrink says:
- "I think she is underestimating her identification with the female gender...."
- "Confusing the issue is what appears to be mild autism spectrum like tendencies...."
- 'Needs more real-life experience; less intellectualization'
- [paraphrased edit from a year later] 'possibly too kinky'
I am pleased and relieved to say this --> I met with Dr. Vosloo on Tuesday, and got a referral for blood-work.

I want to get together for another quiet evening of pleasant conversation and food. I have veggie dim sum.
I have part of Wednesday evening free, and Friday is open. I want to sit back on the couch, eat, maybe cuddle, watch a movie, or just talk.



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