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the_fantastic_ms_foxI am pleased and relieved to say this --> I met with Dr. Vosloo on Tuesday, and got a referral for blood-work.
I like Doctor Vosloo, and am impressed that she went out and did the prep. She also seems interested in what I have to say about transgender issues in general - comments on my part like "I'm doing a post-bac in Gender Studies and am qualifying for a graduate degree in Health Sciences" may have something to do wtih this. She approves of my gradual, step-and-test plan for transition (AKA "FTM in reverse"), thinks that my gender identity makes sense, and finds it reasonable that I am not 100% sure at this point.
All this is welcome because it lets me relax a bit after driving myself pretty hard - I felt that being stubborn was the only route to any measure of progress, which I now have.
Relax then. I take another look at where I am relative to my gender, and realize that I refused to fully question myself because I was afraid that this might be visible, and visible second thoughts might weaken me, or make me appear unsure and therefore not 'actually' trans in the eyes of a doctor or even myself, or show me or you or someone else that I'm not invincible, which could undermine the aura of "stubborn." These doubts, held in like steam under a pot lid with a heavy hand atop, squealed out from time to time. Now I know that I can stop pressing down so hard; let the identity-pasta boil.
The space to question is good because there are some aspects to how I feel about my gender that I have not discussed even with myself (see here for the seeds of these issues). These could represent complicating issues, other opportunities, shortcomings in transition, or simply good things to understand. An analogy: the fact that I prefer podebraha and shvhichkova over beer and steak, is, on its own, a bad reason to move to Europe. If this culinary preference were to be combined with other factors, such as preferring speaking Cheshtina to English, a love of Czech culture, and/or the longstanding, if deeply-buried, desire to not live in a country other than The Czech Republic, then my palette is just something that will make the process easier. I am making allusion to the fact that many ways I feel about gender in general, and my gender in particular, do not in themselves make good reasons to transition, but they promise to make it a more congruent process. I say "Europe" and "Czech" because The Czech Republic, although in Europe, is a small and oft-overlooked, yet distinct andvaguely Soviet elegant part of Europe. In the same way is my gender not typically female, although it lies within that range and may involve purges suits me.
Several people have asked me what my plan is.
1. Basic Issues
[√] - Panic
[√] - Research
[√] - Sort out "am I trans or not?"
[√] - Clarify Identity
[√] - Come Out
2. Name
[√] Pick a name
[√] Get a new email account - my last name dot my first name at gm...
[√] Ask peer circle to call me "Sasha." - was this really less than a month ago?
[ ] Ask school circle to do this - See below
[ ] Ask family - I'm not looking forward to this
[ ] Update school records - this may be a simpler process than I'd assumed
[ ] Legal change, new ID
I'm about 80% sure that I'll stick with "Sasha," at least for the next couple of years. The runner-up was "Cassidy." I still waver a bit; concerned that Sasha is too boyish, Cassidy too oddball, too stereotypically androgynous, too... something. If you have anything to say about one name versus the other, your input is welcome.
Somewhere in here I start insisting on being called by my new name. I'm not sure how to do this best, but I'm thinking a good low-confrontation solution may be not to verbally call people on their name use, but to wave and point to a name-tag.
The student by-elections are coming up: I want to get into office, but I would also like to be able to walk into class next semester and be called "Sasha." The contradiction lies in that I want to draw on my previous record and reputation while also making it clear to people how I prefer to be addressed ["Senator (Fox)" will also do]. Thus, I'm debating whether I should run as "Graham Fox," "Graham 'Sasha' Fox," "Sasha Fox" or "Sasha Fox, AKA 'Graham Fox'"
3. Medical
[√] Book appointment with councilor
[√] Book appointment with doctor
[√] Beat head against wall
[√] Book appointment with different councilor
[√] Book appointment with different doctor
[√] See councillor
[√] See doctor
[√] Get blood-work
[ ] Go through numerous forms and steps
[ ] Start hormones
[ ] See how hormones work
[ ] This is when the crazy shit begins
When I say "numerous forms," I mean enough steps to require ten to twelve visits with the doctor, signed waivers and so on.
Good lord I write a lot. Some of it's venting, some of it's dealing with the weird, some of it is providing the answer to a question when no-one else could.
This question, which is my second favorite question that I get when I tell someone I'm trans, is, "how does that feel? "
The reason this is my favourite is because I was asking people how they knew, so that I could know for myself, but no-one could give me a cogent answer, so I have been here (writing and thinking) and am working on being able to answer this clearly and concisely for the next person who needs it.
A few months ago, the answer was "Fuckin' terrified."
Now, the answer is "Someone is my life is transgendered... who was that? Oh, right: that's me. Weird. Why would I be trans? What problems do I have with my gender? Aren't I happy being... a guy? I'm a guy? What the fuck? How did that happen?"
My second favorite question is "How long have you been on T?"
(Since I was about twelve)
All this is welcome because it lets me relax a bit after driving myself pretty hard - I felt that being stubborn was the only route to any measure of progress, which I now have.
Relax then. I take another look at where I am relative to my gender, and realize that I refused to fully question myself because I was afraid that this might be visible, and visible second thoughts might weaken me, or make me appear unsure and therefore not 'actually' trans in the eyes of a doctor or even myself, or show me or you or someone else that I'm not invincible, which could undermine the aura of "stubborn." These doubts, held in like steam under a pot lid with a heavy hand atop, squealed out from time to time. Now I know that I can stop pressing down so hard; let the identity-pasta boil.
The space to question is good because there are some aspects to how I feel about my gender that I have not discussed even with myself (see here for the seeds of these issues). These could represent complicating issues, other opportunities, shortcomings in transition, or simply good things to understand. An analogy: the fact that I prefer podebraha and shvhichkova over beer and steak, is, on its own, a bad reason to move to Europe. If this culinary preference were to be combined with other factors, such as preferring speaking Cheshtina to English, a love of Czech culture, and/or the longstanding, if deeply-buried, desire to not live in a country other than The Czech Republic, then my palette is just something that will make the process easier. I am making allusion to the fact that many ways I feel about gender in general, and my gender in particular, do not in themselves make good reasons to transition, but they promise to make it a more congruent process. I say "Europe" and "Czech" because The Czech Republic, although in Europe, is a small and oft-overlooked, yet distinct and
Several people have asked me what my plan is.
1. Basic Issues
[√] - Panic
[√] - Research
[√] - Sort out "am I trans or not?"
[√] - Clarify Identity
[√] - Come Out
2. Name
[√] Pick a name
[√] Get a new email account - my last name dot my first name at gm...
[√] Ask peer circle to call me "Sasha." - was this really less than a month ago?
[ ] Ask school circle to do this - See below
[ ] Ask family - I'm not looking forward to this
[ ] Update school records - this may be a simpler process than I'd assumed
[ ] Legal change, new ID
I'm about 80% sure that I'll stick with "Sasha," at least for the next couple of years. The runner-up was "Cassidy." I still waver a bit; concerned that Sasha is too boyish, Cassidy too oddball, too stereotypically androgynous, too... something. If you have anything to say about one name versus the other, your input is welcome.
Somewhere in here I start insisting on being called by my new name. I'm not sure how to do this best, but I'm thinking a good low-confrontation solution may be not to verbally call people on their name use, but to wave and point to a name-tag.
The student by-elections are coming up: I want to get into office, but I would also like to be able to walk into class next semester and be called "Sasha." The contradiction lies in that I want to draw on my previous record and reputation while also making it clear to people how I prefer to be addressed ["Senator (Fox)" will also do]. Thus, I'm debating whether I should run as "Graham Fox," "Graham 'Sasha' Fox," "Sasha Fox" or "Sasha Fox, AKA 'Graham Fox'"
3. Medical
[√] Book appointment with councilor
[√] Book appointment with doctor
[√] Beat head against wall
[√] Book appointment with different councilor
[√] Book appointment with different doctor
[√] See councillor
[√] See doctor
[√] Get blood-work
[ ] Go through numerous forms and steps
[ ] Start hormones
[ ] See how hormones work
[ ] This is when the crazy shit begins
When I say "numerous forms," I mean enough steps to require ten to twelve visits with the doctor, signed waivers and so on.
Good lord I write a lot. Some of it's venting, some of it's dealing with the weird, some of it is providing the answer to a question when no-one else could.
This question, which is my second favorite question that I get when I tell someone I'm trans, is, "how does that feel? "
The reason this is my favourite is because I was asking people how they knew, so that I could know for myself, but no-one could give me a cogent answer, so I have been here (writing and thinking) and am working on being able to answer this clearly and concisely for the next person who needs it.
A few months ago, the answer was "Fuckin' terrified."
Now, the answer is "Someone is my life is transgendered... who was that? Oh, right: that's me. Weird. Why would I be trans? What problems do I have with my gender? Aren't I happy being... a guy? I'm a guy? What the fuck? How did that happen?"
My second favorite question is "How long have you been on T?"
(Since I was about twelve)