I'm reading through and reflecting upon RPG supplements for White Wolf, GURPS and D&D. I'm thinking do they actually expect me to remember any of this? Did I used to play this?

Talk about complicated! If I wanted to memorize charts and tables, I'd be an accountant - that way, they pay you.

I like the idea of RPGs, but they often fall so short. Many RPG writers earn the reputation as a hobby for obsessives - there's no other way to learn many of these systems.

It's ironic, seeing as someone with a basic (i.e. rank novice) background in math, or computer programming, or organization, or especially computer game design, should be able to go over these rules and shake their head: these don't make sense. These numbers don't add up. These probabilities are wacked. Some people can't play this; most won't.

I can see what is at work here. There is an attempt to build a controlled system that models the world and shepherds a story through it; mediating conflicts; arbitrating disputes.

However the longer the attempt, the more stringent the modelling; the more rules, the less accurate modelling it does:
- people can't remember enough rules to play it (no players = no game = no modelling)
- the more rules there are, the more holes there are when rules intersect
- the more attempts there are to control, to automate, the more control slips though

Other ways are necessary; simpler ones.

There are many things like this. Our tax system comes to mind.
I've been finding that, occasionally and unexpectedly, a sense of gratification, harmony or rightness surrounds me. This feeling of being happily embodied is new, and it tells me that I'm doing the right thing - whether that's "the right thing" is whatever I'm doing in the moment, or transition in general (probably both). This occurs most frequently at moments of genuine and often kinesthetic expression, unchecked by second-guessing; through movement, exertion, crying, creating art. It never occurs when looking in the mirror, nor has it come while pacing at a bus stop.

In tandem with this state, I usually perceive a semi-conscious image of me-now; a visual flicker in my mind as if I'm seeing myself viewed from elsewhere. It is a harmonious image; squaring with how my body feels, but seeing myself from outside carries a measure of disassociation with it, and I wonder what that means.

I would like to make these moments more frequent, as they seem to point to "yes, what you're doing is right for you." I am not sure how to do this.

Exercise seems to set it off. It can be climbing a steep hill, or using all limbs to scale a pile of concrete road-markers, or even carrying heavy groceries. In all cases, it's oddly gratifying, drawing me into present awareness.

I need to do some kind of a sport, I guess. The rec centre strike is over. Maybe I should see what's available? Something that doesn't involve a lot of running (i.e. no Soccer) on account of my knee, but which still require exertion. Suggestions? Locations?

Oh, right, I was thinking of taking up paintball.

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the_fantastic_ms_fox

August 2017

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