Oh Testosterone, I missed you not at all

( Is anything that I write here SFW? )

It's been two weeks since I started cutting down on both the right hormones as well as the blockers for the wrong hormones. And one week since I stopped. I was wondering if I would be able to feel the effects of testosterone. And I can. And I don't like them.

( Not much, anyway. )

Posted to tranny please re: why my SO couldn't come out to me as MtF even though I'm FtM

I had a lot of trouble telling people I trusted, even the militantly queer ones. My response to being MtF was to shut it down and shut it up at all costs. Keeping it quiet became an integral part of being <i>me</i>.

Part of the fear is that if you tell it at all, to anyone, you will hear it yourself. This will let it out into the world, making it real, and into something that you cannot ignore. You can't un-come-out-to-yourself. And when you cannot ignore it, you cannot deny it. And when you start to honour it, then others will see it, and then all the things we've been told to hate may just come rushing in on you.

Thus, silence is a common coping strategy. The fear of relating it to a trusted person is not reasonable, but it's part of a larger trend of beig afraid to say it at all.

In other words, it probably has nothing to do with you. Blame society. Seriously.

I add what to my what and compare it to what now?

I'm reading through and reflecting upon RPG supplements for White Wolf, GURPS and D&D. I'm thinking do they actually expect me to remember any of this? Did I used to play this?

Talk about complicated! If I wanted to memorize charts and tables, I'd be an accountant - that way, they pay you.

I like the idea of RPGs, but they often fall so short. Many RPG writers earn the reputation as a hobby for obsessives - there's no other way to learn many of these systems.

It's ironic, seeing as someone with a basic (i.e. rank novice) background in math, or computer programming, or organization, or especially computer game design, should be able to go over these rules and shake their head: these don't make sense. These numbers don't add up. These probabilities are wacked. Some people can't play this; most won't.

I can see what is at work here. There is an attempt to build a controlled system that models the world and shepherds a story through it; mediating conflicts; arbitrating disputes.

However the longer the attempt, the more stringent the modelling; the more rules, the less accurate modelling it does:
- people can't remember enough rules to play it (no players = no game = no modelling)
- the more rules there are, the more holes there are when rules intersect
- the more attempts there are to control, to automate, the more control slips though

Other ways are necessary; simpler ones.

There are many things like this. Our tax system comes to mind.

It's a leap year, so that makes it 527,040 minutes.

Pregnancies. Marriages. Cross-country trips. Transition. Moving. New jobs. Graduation. There are so many changes in people's lives around me that I feel like I'm in the Vancouver version of Rent. Except that, to my knowledge, no-one is dying of AIDS.

So I'd say that it's a season cliffhanger of some TV show, but who ever set a series in Vancouver?

But if someone did, and it included me, I would still be happy to be played by  Choi Min Shik.

(See relevant entry on how this may be accomplished.)