Oh Testosterone, I missed you not at all
Apr. 23rd, 2008 03:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
the_fantastic_ms_foxLast morning I had a half-dream about the phallus as a parasitic/symbiotic* xeno-entity that sprouted from a seed implanted atop the clitoris of a woman I know. Then to grow it into its own shape. Elegant, but unwelcome. Its thoughts intrude. Insist.**
It's been two weeks since I started cutting down on both the right hormones as well as the blockers for the wrong hormones. And one week since I stopped. I was wondering if I would be able to feel the effects of testosterone. And I can. And I don't like them.
Unnerving steadyness. Sleepiness. Disrupted sleep. Libido changes to be more focused, more insistant. Awkward. Things I don't want to post. A slow decline in skin sensitivity, especially in my breasts. Is my facial hair more bristly, or am I just being paranoid? My genitals feel even more like... well, like an alien parasite - larger now, testicles descending again to fill the scrotum. Larger. One wet dream. Ill-timed erections again, either at the slight thought of sex, or just... whenever. It knows its been underused; asleep.
And I thought those were socially awkward when I was presenting as a guy!
Nothing dramatic. Just alien.
Please understand that my extermely negative comments about male-bodiedness are not the product of one too many women studies classes, but are rather in reference to my own experiences. It would probably feel a lot better and less alien, and less other, and more welcome, and less menacing, and more friendly and cuddly and harmonious if I actually wanted T in my body. But I do not.
Get it off of me. Get it out of me.
::Exhales::
Just for another week. And a half.
Then back to normal.
I'll have to do this once more. Hopefully within a year. Then the two little T-factories come out, and will be tested and incinerated.
Right. I can do this.
*The difference between a "parasite" and a "symbiote" is whether it's good for the host or not - or in the case of a human, whether we welcome it or not
** There's a John Varely story like this in "the Barbie Murders." Most misandric thing I've ever read. And written by a guy. At least I assume that he's still a guy. From his writing, I could certainly see him changing his mind.
And I thought those were socially awkward when I was presenting as a guy!
Nothing dramatic. Just alien.
Please understand that my extermely negative comments about male-bodiedness are not the product of one too many women studies classes, but are rather in reference to my own experiences. It would probably feel a lot better and less alien, and less other, and more welcome, and less menacing, and more friendly and cuddly and harmonious if I actually wanted T in my body. But I do not.
Get it off of me. Get it out of me.
::Exhales::
Just for another week. And a half.
Then back to normal.
I'll have to do this once more. Hopefully within a year. Then the two little T-factories come out, and will be tested and incinerated.
Right. I can do this.
*The difference between a "parasite" and a "symbiote" is whether it's good for the host or not - or in the case of a human, whether we welcome it or not
** There's a John Varely story like this in "the Barbie Murders." Most misandric thing I've ever read. And written by a guy. At least I assume that he's still a guy. From his writing, I could certainly see him changing his mind.