The Fanstastic Ms. Fox

Tyler had some good advice for people in a bleak mood. Sort of an alterative to shrinks and counselling.

It was something to the effect of:
        Sort out what you do that makes you happy. Do more of it. Do less of the things that make you unhappy.

Smart guy. I adopt this as my strategy.

The Federation flew in a couple dozen people, and campus is swarming. Many of them don't have a clue what's going on in BC. It's poster-and-flyer time. All day. Every day.

Eight more work-days of this CFS shit. Then the gruelling time-consuming part is done. The last fifteen months of work is done. Then things look up a bit. Things look up a lot. I'll even have a chance to pursue some of my pet administrative projects (i.e. accessible washrooms!). Or take some time off and get knee-deep into research.

But there is a slog between now and then.

Will we win? What if we lose?

I have an inkling of how to handle it if we lose. Namely, it would be a hard lesson in democracy, and why going off and doing your own thing might be a better idea than trying to convince everyone to do it with you.

This said, I don't think that will be necessary. I really do think that we can win, and that we are going to win. We're down volunteer numbers relative to them, but I think that we have skill, a strong argument, and the sentiment of campus leans in our favour. Plus I don't think that the CFS volunteers will hold up well. Whereas ours seem to get more enthused as time goes on.

After this. Nevermind "after this." I'm having trouble thinking about "after this." Howabout This will end. Soon. Then there will be other things that are more enjoyable.

"the way you function in this orientation exercise is the way you function in real-life teams."
    - Sam Bradd

A loooong walk around South Van at night gave me space to peer inside my baggage.

In Europe in the Summer of 2004, I was angry at my companions: I returned to the hotel to learn that they had decided to dissolve our plans and travel separately or in small groups, leaving me going solo. This said, I did not object and I was in no way surprised or shocked.

My ability to, when faced with isolation due to the disintegration of a group and its plans, calmly change tack to spend the better part of a month navigating through obscure regions of Western Slavia while completing schoolwork and research speaks to a useful streak of self-reliance, but one with unhealthy roots.

Indeed, self-reliance is a real strength, but beliefs like the following are not, and they mar the character of one's independence. leading to the habits of living half a life

1. Other people will occasionally try to help you because they think they should. They will at best give you an ear, leaving you back solving the problem on your own. At worst they will direct you towards bad decisions while making you feel inadequate.

2. Other people will drop you and the things you care about for weird/bad/no reasons. You cannot change this.

3. Other people are immature emotional firecrackers: handle them with kid gloves. When they hurt you, calmly note your disagreement and try to shed the conflict quietly.

4. You cannot connect with other people. They will always remain a mystery.

Conclusion: handle everything yourself.

Extricating myself from this has involved and is involving learning how to richly/effectively communicate with others, when I've rarely scratched the surface before. This time in my life is seeing the first deep friendships, and maybe a more complete romantic relationships or ties with family - as well as me asking probing questions, such as the ones that I may toss your way regarding the above topics. Heads up.

(NB: this is a filtered post because I don't want to break things to everyone over LJ)
[edit - filter no longer applies]

If we had a nuclear war, I would go out and buy iodine drops and canned food. Sensible. I'd thought that this was because events that shock other people simply don't bother me. It may be more the case that many things bother me but I don't notice it.

Case in point: this gender thing; it keeps flickering in and out. Sometimes it seems like something to question; other times it seems like something to fix; now it seems like something to suck up - a flight of the mind that needs to be brought back to earth. Is silencing it growing up, or killing a living dream?

I feel like I'm being ridiculous. You're born how you are and they slap a label on you and you keep going. Everyone knows this. Thus, is picking at the label a serious exercise, or the next logical step in navel-gazing for idle Bohemians?  Is trying to dick around with the model arrogant? Wise? Silly? As intrinsically meaningless as anything else?

A month and a bit from now will be the fiftieth annivesary of Sputnik, and the twenty-sixth anniversary of my birth. I really do wish I'd thought of this sooner, dealt with it sooner, said it to myself sooner, even seriously questioned it sooner: I wish I'd taken myself seriously. But I  didn't and so here I am: two degrees and asking serious questions. What do you do? Do you drop it? Or keep going?

This is a lot to take in. I'm scared. It is about fear: shaking inside fear; in your mind, stomach hurting, intestines squishing into scared shitlessness. I see what I thought were impossibilities right in front of me and they aren't so much blows to he ego as anonymous but beautiful vivisections. How do I handle this?

Option A: Think Cthulu. I have opened up the book that is my mind, sat down and taken a good read, and now I have gone clearly gone insane.
Option B: I'm being stoic and firm when I want to be held. I really am scared. I've found something that needs to be examined and I shouldn't shy from poking questions at it.

I can approach this with shame, fear and trepidation; or confidence and pride. I can live in shame, fear and trepidation, or I can embody confidence and pride. At least this is a clear choice.

Still. Where else do I go? How do I decide who I am and who I will be?

Presumably, I play emotional detective and look for clues. Jinkies! There are clues everywhere, and they lead in all directions.
More clues to come. This isn't meant as a cliffhanger. It's meant as a stall for me to get my thoughts in order.