Hard-Won Lessons:
Feb. 14th, 2007 09:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
the_fantastic_ms_foxMany people, often including myself, are ashamed to feel bad. Perhaps we think that we have no righ to experience regret, remorse, anger, sorrow, resentment, or even discomfort.
This is not a good way of doing things.
If something is bothering me, then it really is bothering me. Shrugging it off, denying it, or chastising myself won't work. Nor will feeling bad accomplish anything for anyone. I may seem to have no right to feel as I do, or I may actually have no such right. Entitled or not, the feeling will remain.
First I admit to myself that I am upset. Then I try to establish exactly what is contributing to this - be it the source of discomfort itself, other related problems, or other stressors entirely (which would also merit being addressed). Then, if an ear is available, I bounce it off of someone else and they confirm that I am not crazy. Checking in is especially effective for resentment and I find that having a discussion (not a debate) with someone at whom I am annoyed does a world of good with few exceptions to date (even if it leads me to the conclusion that the other person really is just "non-mutual," just like Number 6). Having reached this point, I then try to draw up a goal series (as outlined in a previous post) to set my discomfort to rest, which often means fixing or ameliorating the problem.
This works. It leaves me happier and more functional as a member of society.
The only downside is the mountain of backlogged issues. Still, it's better than leaving it to grow.
This is not a good way of doing things.
If something is bothering me, then it really is bothering me. Shrugging it off, denying it, or chastising myself won't work. Nor will feeling bad accomplish anything for anyone. I may seem to have no right to feel as I do, or I may actually have no such right. Entitled or not, the feeling will remain.
First I admit to myself that I am upset. Then I try to establish exactly what is contributing to this - be it the source of discomfort itself, other related problems, or other stressors entirely (which would also merit being addressed). Then, if an ear is available, I bounce it off of someone else and they confirm that I am not crazy. Checking in is especially effective for resentment and I find that having a discussion (not a debate) with someone at whom I am annoyed does a world of good with few exceptions to date (even if it leads me to the conclusion that the other person really is just "non-mutual," just like Number 6). Having reached this point, I then try to draw up a goal series (as outlined in a previous post) to set my discomfort to rest, which often means fixing or ameliorating the problem.
This works. It leaves me happier and more functional as a member of society.
The only downside is the mountain of backlogged issues. Still, it's better than leaving it to grow.