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the_fantastic_ms_foxAs someone with inerests in travelling, anthropology, social history, and radical gender theory, this is like being an astronomer in space; an oceanologist on a ship; an Egyptologist in ancient Egypt.
But anyway,
The hurt/envy is going away.
I see a well-groomed dykey-genderqueer, or watch a drag king, or scan past blurry self-digitals of birl-y androgyny, or a snap of my ex with a brushed-on goatee, and there is still that slice of ostracism-from-something-important-but-by-the-incontravertable-flesh, and resentment. It's been there for years, and it only became more intense.
So it's still there, and that hurt/envy comes cutting across, but now I'm remembring, oh, I can do that now.
Incredulity follows. Then relief. Tears.
This is good.
There is of course one caveat: It's been a year with female pronouns (which is the best I could guess at when "living as female role" starts). I still have to go through a second round of probing questions, this time from two shrinks at once, before I can get the okay to make the big cut and finish this.
I fear that pursuing self-affirming genderfuckery even as far as I have, let alone as far as I might like, might turn a "yes" into a "no." I could lie, but I'd rather not go that route; take that risk. A few years ago, this would definitely be a valid concern. Is it still accurate? I should have more information on Tuesday.
Still, this is a bureaucratic obstacle confined to particular people - albeit a scary one. Thus, it is preferable to a physical one. I can choose to ignore it.
But anyway,
The hurt/envy is going away.
I see a well-groomed dykey-genderqueer, or watch a drag king, or scan past blurry self-digitals of birl-y androgyny, or a snap of my ex with a brushed-on goatee, and there is still that slice of ostracism-from-something-important-but-by-the-incontravertable-flesh, and resentment. It's been there for years, and it only became more intense.
So it's still there, and that hurt/envy comes cutting across, but now I'm remembring, oh, I can do that now.
Incredulity follows. Then relief. Tears.
This is good.
There is of course one caveat: It's been a year with female pronouns (which is the best I could guess at when "living as female role" starts). I still have to go through a second round of probing questions, this time from two shrinks at once, before I can get the okay to make the big cut and finish this.
I fear that pursuing self-affirming genderfuckery even as far as I have, let alone as far as I might like, might turn a "yes" into a "no." I could lie, but I'd rather not go that route; take that risk. A few years ago, this would definitely be a valid concern. Is it still accurate? I should have more information on Tuesday.
Still, this is a bureaucratic obstacle confined to particular people - albeit a scary one. Thus, it is preferable to a physical one. I can choose to ignore it.
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no subject
Date: 2008-01-22 08:04 am (UTC)Good luck with your efforts. Btw, perhaps you are settled on a doctor already (or have to use a Canadian one to have the Canadian healthcare system cover it) but doctors in Thailand are much less strict re: SRS letters. Often they require just one. I've even heard of them writing them on demand.