The stab of envy is gone, or at least going

[the_fantastic_ms_fox]

As someone with inerests in travelling, anthropology, social history, and radical gender theory, this is like being an astronomer in space; an oceanologist on a ship; an Egyptologist in ancient Egypt.

But anyway,

The hurt/envy is going away.

I see a well-groomed dykey-genderqueer, or watch a drag king, or scan past blurry self-digitals of birl-y androgyny, or a snap of my ex with a brushed-on goatee, and there is still that slice of ostracism-from-something-important-but-by-the-incontravertable-flesh, and resentment. It's been there for years, and it only became more intense.

So it's still there, and that hurt/envy comes cutting across, but now I'm remembring, oh, I can do that now.

Incredulity follows. Then relief. Tears.

This is good.

There is of course one caveat: It's been a year with female pronouns (which is the best I could guess at when "living as female role" starts). I still have to go through a second round of probing questions, this time from two shrinks at once, before I can get the okay to make the big cut and finish this.

I fear that pursuing self-affirming genderfuckery even as far as I have, let alone as far as I might like, might turn a "yes" into a "no." I could lie, but I'd rather not go that route; take that risk. A few years ago, this would definitely be a valid concern. Is it still accurate? I should have more information on Tuesday.

Still, this is a bureaucratic obstacle confined to particular people - albeit a scary one. Thus, it is preferable to a physical one. I can choose to ignore it.

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/innerlife_/]

I think there is an ever-increasing number of non-gatekeeper-minded shrinks that are more accepting of diversity in trans people. If you find one you should not have to be dishonest. I would totally trust my previous therapist on this front, btw. 20-something, very progressive, hated to be forced by my patronizing asshole MD to officially diagnose me with GID before he'd give me HRT.

And rad on the envy stuff. It remains a challnege for me.

[hundun.livejournal.com]

It's not the HRT angle - my doctor is owesome. What worries me is the BC medical system's double-gate method for granting access to SRS. The first gate is for being able to do it at all with one year RLT; the second for being able to do it with medicare coverage with two (or more, or much more, grr.) years RLT.

I've heard some dodgey shit come out of there. I've given my doc a list of questions on thi matter to pass along anonymously to other medical authorities, and I hope she'll have the answers back by Tuesday afternoon.

[http://users.livejournal.com/innerlife_/]

Right, I just used HRT as the only example of mild gatekeeperism that I've had to deal with.

Good luck with your efforts. Btw, perhaps you are settled on a doctor already (or have to use a Canadian one to have the Canadian healthcare system cover it) but doctors in Thailand are much less strict re: SRS letters. Often they require just one. I've even heard of them writing them on demand.

[hundun.livejournal.com]

Also. Thanks.