This level of fatigue on a night like tonight
It is like tipping back into a rich dark sinkhole
And falling, free and scared into sleep
Immersed in dreams in the river that runs under the world

Pick something in the past that still hurts

- Staying in the closet
 

Internal factors that brought this about

- I did not do research
- I censored my own thoughts
- I did not consider my wants and vision to be worthwhile or practicable

1. Three people, living or dead, I admire. And one quality each
- Robin Hood. Admittedly, he is (largely) fictional, but I admire him greatly. He was virtuously cunning.
- My uncle. He is wise. Like my grandfather was, and like how I hope to be.
- Hard to pin down the last one. Storytellers who spin something amazing out of resistance. Nalo Hobkinson. Tracy Chapman (often). John Varley (sometimes). Bruce Sterling (sometimes).

I really don't have many concrete role models. Robin Hood was the one who came to mind the strongest. This shows an odd disconnect from the real.

2. The virtue I strive to practice or emulate
- Resistance. The unwavering ability to stick to principles.

3. When do I feel the most confident; like the best person I could be
- When I just gave a speech to an audience.

4. What situations make me feel the greatest self-esteem or personal worth
- Applause. The admiration of the group.

5. What would a junxi version of me do differently from today 
- She would spend more time on concrete punditry.

6. What quality would I like to be known for, and how could I make this happen?
- Speaking truth to power. Delivering an honest, resonating and actionable critique of the status quo.

7. Where do I need to demonstrate more truthfulness and integrity?
- My own work habits.

 

Questions from Brian Tracy's
The Power of Self Discipline
An amazing and inspiring book with little to no analysis of privilege.


1a. Ideal work life
Tonnes of integrated creative work (writing and production design) and a little corporate strategy

1b. Discipline to get there:
Setting and hitting deadlines
Learn to market creative work on both the free market and the grant system


2a. Ideal family life:
Stable Long-Term relationship. Involvement in the lives of youth. Shared living (see #3)

2b. Discipline to get there:
Find an LTR.


3a. Ideal community life:
Basically university residence for adults, and without the academic/class barrier to community participation. If UBC was to become an open community tomorrow, and I could move into rez with other people who actually know how to live in community, I would pack up and go.

3b. Discipline to get there:
(...I'm drawing a blank here. Thoughts?)


4a. Ideal health
Greater gymnastic ability
Greater skin health
Extraordinary longevity

4b. Discipline to get there:
Heavy training (may not be practical)
Skin care regimen as outlined by Brooke
Find a multivitamin that doesn't hurt my stomach and keep abreast of anti-agathic research

- Note: I'm in pretty amazing health right now. I bike most places, getting my cardio, and I do conditioning. I just need to maintain it. I could do conditioning once a week and do physical skills twice a week. Oh wait, I have plans to do just that - albeit this time without tearing the tissue that holds my ribs in place.


5a. Financial situation
Enough money to employ people full time and not care whether we make a profit at our socially beneficial endeavor

5b. Disclipline
Learn to how to watch and put money into the investment market.
Learn how to market of creative work

- Note: My frugality is noted by my friends. All I can really cut back on is relocate my studio to the shed and do acting co-op instead of lessons. And I have options to do both of those
- Note: In the past, my market sense has been bang-on, like eerily so (this stock will rise to this level, then peak around here and settle around here; this commodity is grossly undervalued), but I haven't moved on it and thus lost out


6. Why not there already?
Lack of clear goals and a strategy to get there

7. What one skill would be the most useful?
Practical, low-key project management


8. Which one discipline would have the biggest impact
Sticking to a to-do list.

I find that I automatically resist the idea of "taking a break." But it is time, and I think it feels good.

I'm too bound up in the feeling of "being useful." I feel that I always have to be doing something, even if that thing is a waste of time.

And so I would take time off, but keep busy, often doing things that I don't really enjoy. In this way, I could both do little, and feel spent.

I guess that it's not so much that I need to stop, it's that I need to learn to stop.

So first I learn to lie on the couch and read. I haven't really read in years, at least not on the couch. I'd read for class, to pass time on a trip, or on the internet.
A few years back, I described my faith as "a crappy Buddhist."
Self denial doesn't work

I. Want:

To spend some time in a cabin that's surrounded by snow - Birkenhead maybe, anyone else want in?

To get back into kink - I attended a workshop last night - I forgot how much fun that was - I find it a bit awkward to go to a play party without someone to play with though

To find a loving relationship - feeling irritated (gah! women! oh... wait... shit.), will keep trying, appreciate suggestions and recommendations

To learn how to make more things - a trades course looms

To be a better cook and seweringpersonything - keep practicing

A cunt - better start doing research

To be doing more art - community college maybe? Or one of those electives that looms on the way to finishing my degree

To get into physical activity that will strengthen my joints instead of hurting them - signed up for softball, will try to get involved with paintball - [ I want to make a queer paintball team (the team is queer - the people on it may or may not be) just so I can make a wordplay on "Rainbow Six"]

To take some time off - told my coworkers last month that I won't be a round much this month

To get my Student Union out of the goddamn CFS - the fight starts in January and culminates in March

To get involved in co-op stuff - I think I might go intern again
 

You got any advice or suggestions or news, or have the same thing that you want a second person to work on keep me in mind

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August 2017

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