(no subject)

[the_fantastic_ms_fox]

Last night, a friend of mine dressed up as Raggedy Andy and attacked me with a boffer sword while I defended myself with a 40 cm wiffle bat while remaining attached by one hand to an overhead ring.

We stopped because while it was fun, striking a person who is both moving and unarmoured is not exactly safe. So he whacked me some more while I stayed still. And now I have a lot of bruises.

Who says kink is about sex? Or maybe I'm just missing something here.



Being put into an altered state often makes me cry because it seems that I am processing a lot of internal hurt. This is good. And I'm glad that I had someone around to talk with.

I hate it when shrinks are right. It seems that about 20% of my personality (the part that isn't exactly interested in my own well-being or identity and can't feel a full emotional spectrum, or think of itsself as a worthwhile entity, or have a strong interest in sex) is an elaborate coping mechanism for being trans without being able to express it, and another 45% of who I am is tightly interwoven with this coping mechanisms.

The block came off about ten months ago when I realized that I was finally "safe." And now I'm coming up to the point where I realize that I will not only be "safe now" but will soon be "guaranteed to be free for the rest of my life" as certain upcoming medical procedures will make my body physically unable to ever return to its old state (anatomical or hormonal) without heavy medical intervention.

So the block is gone.

Now I feel like a science-fiction character whose life is founded upon a fabrication. Maybe she's been living in a computer simulation, or is an unwilling participant in an ongoing reality TV show, or maybe her memory has been tampered with. Her relationships with other people are real. The events in her history occured. But the facts which she is founded upon are not.

I can see bits and pieces of who I am percolating through a broken shell. It's not just a normal course of early adulthood personal development but a sea change. Some, such as normal-to-high levels of social confidnce are welcome. Others, such as an intrinsic disregard for my prior ethical/religious system, are not so easy to accept. My sexual orientation is not exactly what I thought it was. My approachto helping people has changed in light of the fact that I am now "a person." I've even told people off and felt okay about it. That's new. And so on

A few years ago, I had the idea that I should leg it out of Vancouver for a bit; go somewhere where no-one has a clue who I am. To find myself? Maybe.  More along the lines of "here's how you grow." And travel is good for you.

I'm coming up on a time where I can actually do this. Get out. Leave. I have no school, work, or family commitments. My volunteer term is up on February 28th. And I'll recover from surgery around the same time that the roads clear up.

I feel awkward. This feels self-indulgent. And it means turning down an excellent job/career offer. But that reluctance to care for myself is a part of what I'm trying to lose. And it's not exactly something I've done before. But it feels right.
I'm thinking of going for two years. I think I'll be back. I like Vancouver: after living here for six months, I figured I'd be here for the rest of my life. I doubt that will change.

I'll think about this for a week before making a final decision.

But since that final decision will still be "I'm going," I can say that:
- I am going to need to talk to people who have done this, and get their advice on how to do it well.

- I am going to get rid of half of my stuff. Let me know if you see something here that you want. Especially:
           - books
           - a dresser
           - ikea shelving
           - a looooong couch that is easily taken apart and moved and reconfigured into different shapes

- I am going to need to store the rest. Want to split a storage space? Or do you have some that I can give you something for?

- I am looking for electricians in: the Gulf Islands, Haida Gwaii, Tofino and Nelson who want a top-notch apprentice

- I am going to need some means of getting from A to B. Bus probably. Car possibly. Motorcycle romantically, but probably not. Bicycle definitely not.

- There will be a relatively cheap 2BR apartment up for grabs on The Drive in March or April or May. Possbily partially funished.

- Advice on an appropriate cellphone plan

Comments

[donnaidh-sidhe.livejournal.com]

1. Stuff is appreciated.

2. Can't really help with storage.

3. Don't know any electricians there.

4. Road trip to Tofino/Nelson? I have a little Civic coupe that's just dying to be taken out of the city, there and back again.

5. I'm looking to buy rather than rent, but I'll put the word out when you're ready.

[sciencequeen.livejournal.com]

So all your exploration you are limiting to rural BC? I am excited you want to travel, but why those places specifically?

[hundun.livejournal.com]

They
- are not big cities
- have trees and all that naturey shit
- speak English
- are very different from Vancouver
- are not ridiculously far from home
- by virtue of being in-province, make it easier for me to start an apprenticeship

[cloud-atlas.livejournal.com]

In regards to your first point, my advice is this: consider carefully what the impact might really be on your life.

Now this might sound painfully obvious, but when moving far away, it's easy to get caught up in the big picture impact and forget about the day to day changes. I made this mistake when I moved across the country for a brief time several years ago.

I knew I wanted change, I knew I wanted something different than my current surroundings, and I knew I wanted to be outside of my life for a while, but I didn't consider how it would feel to be somewhere new, I didn't plan or prepare for culture shock, I didn't realise how disorienting it would be, I didn't think about those who I would miss, or even consider how I'd ultimately end up feeling about the people I thought I wouldn't miss.

It wasn't homesickness that drew me back, it was a feeling of needing to belong somewhere. I had made friends, had a job, was enjoying school, but being in the new place felt uncomfortable and misrepresenting, like wearing clothes that are ill fitting and trying to pull it off.

That doesn't mean it can't done, I just hadn't seriously considered all of the implications such an adventure can have and bring. In someways while I was away I had too much fun, I was too far out of my comfort zone, and acted in ways I wouldn't at home. This wasn't beneficial.

So seriously consider how mentally prepared you might be to wake up everyday somewhere new, where people talk different, where expectations can be turned on their heads, where you may start to behave like someone other than yourself. Be prepared to wind up somewhere that doesn't "fit".

(All this from someone currently considering a move to China :P)

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Couch?

[hundun.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that huge four-piece unit that used to be in Jhayne's.

I am thinking of leaving some of the furniture here for the next tenants.

But the couch is especially portable. It's very light. So it can go.

[silverpower.livejournal.com]

I can't emphasize this enough - small town living is *very* different from what you're probably used to. Internet and cell network access is patchy (not non-existent, but you can forget about anything fancy - voice and sometimes SMS, and if it's sufficiently remote, forget even basic broadband). Food is more expensive. You can get by with a bike in some areas, at the cost of anything even vaguely resembling independence. (A motorcycle lends itself to this somewhat better.)

On a cell plan, make sure it doesn't penalize for roaming, especially if you set your local number to Vancouver (or really, wherever you're basing from). And I'll repeat this again - you NEED a landline if you're going to settle in anywhere. I don't care if you think you can get away with just your mobile - you'll need something that's reliable, and coverage in rural and semi-rural areas is very poor. I'd sooner trust a toy walkie-talkie than expect decent mobile coverage.

Bus service... varies. Some areas, it's viable, some areas, it's not. Never ever ever go on a two-lane rural road at night unless you have to and/or your car is ultra-reliable (I suggest an old-school Toyota or Nissan minitruck; they're as reliable as an AK, and they don't guzzle fuel like the big V8 trucks do, unless the engine's in really bad shape). I'd be leery of taking a motorcycle on even the best two-laners out here in the daytime - rural drivers aren't usually used to sharing the road with anything but other cars. I ride a bike on some really shitty and dangerous roads here, but I don't have a choice in the matter. If I did, I'd probably be riding my seven-speed in a city. :)

I'm not going to go into matters of personal safety, every region of the continent's different, right down to the county (if you're in the States), in terms of whether you'll be at risk from the local cops or bootboys or whatever. And any advice I could give would be next to useless anyway, since your government isn't keen on concealed-carry (to put it mildly), as I understand it.

Hmmm... I think that's it. Some of this may not apply to wherever you're headed, but a lot of this stuff is fairly universal to North American rural/semirural living. I did try to keep it general as I could. These are just some lessons I've had to pick up the hard way from living in a small town for five years (I'm seriously hoping it doesn't become six). Take them for whatever they're worth. :)

[silverpower.livejournal.com]

Shit, almost forgot - culture shock. Don't believe the hype. cloud_atlas is totally right about this, and then some. I can't tell you to be ready for it, because that's impossible. But you need to expect it.