(no subject)

[the_fantastic_ms_fox]

Last night, a friend of mine dressed up as Raggedy Andy and attacked me with a boffer sword while I defended myself with a 40 cm wiffle bat while remaining attached by one hand to an overhead ring.

We stopped because while it was fun, striking a person who is both moving and unarmoured is not exactly safe. So he whacked me some more while I stayed still. And now I have a lot of bruises.

Who says kink is about sex? Or maybe I'm just missing something here.



Being put into an altered state often makes me cry because it seems that I am processing a lot of internal hurt. This is good. And I'm glad that I had someone around to talk with.

I hate it when shrinks are right. It seems that about 20% of my personality (the part that isn't exactly interested in my own well-being or identity and can't feel a full emotional spectrum, or think of itsself as a worthwhile entity, or have a strong interest in sex) is an elaborate coping mechanism for being trans without being able to express it, and another 45% of who I am is tightly interwoven with this coping mechanisms.

The block came off about ten months ago when I realized that I was finally "safe." And now I'm coming up to the point where I realize that I will not only be "safe now" but will soon be "guaranteed to be free for the rest of my life" as certain upcoming medical procedures will make my body physically unable to ever return to its old state (anatomical or hormonal) without heavy medical intervention.

So the block is gone.

Now I feel like a science-fiction character whose life is founded upon a fabrication. Maybe she's been living in a computer simulation, or is an unwilling participant in an ongoing reality TV show, or maybe her memory has been tampered with. Her relationships with other people are real. The events in her history occured. But the facts which she is founded upon are not.

I can see bits and pieces of who I am percolating through a broken shell. It's not just a normal course of early adulthood personal development but a sea change. Some, such as normal-to-high levels of social confidnce are welcome. Others, such as an intrinsic disregard for my prior ethical/religious system, are not so easy to accept. My sexual orientation is not exactly what I thought it was. My approachto helping people has changed in light of the fact that I am now "a person." I've even told people off and felt okay about it. That's new. And so on

A few years ago, I had the idea that I should leg it out of Vancouver for a bit; go somewhere where no-one has a clue who I am. To find myself? Maybe.  More along the lines of "here's how you grow." And travel is good for you.

I'm coming up on a time where I can actually do this. Get out. Leave. I have no school, work, or family commitments. My volunteer term is up on February 28th. And I'll recover from surgery around the same time that the roads clear up.

I feel awkward. This feels self-indulgent. And it means turning down an excellent job/career offer. But that reluctance to care for myself is a part of what I'm trying to lose. And it's not exactly something I've done before. But it feels right.
I'm thinking of going for two years. I think I'll be back. I like Vancouver: after living here for six months, I figured I'd be here for the rest of my life. I doubt that will change.

I'll think about this for a week before making a final decision.

But since that final decision will still be "I'm going," I can say that:
- I am going to need to talk to people who have done this, and get their advice on how to do it well.

- I am going to get rid of half of my stuff. Let me know if you see something here that you want. Especially:
           - books
           - a dresser
           - ikea shelving
           - a looooong couch that is easily taken apart and moved and reconfigured into different shapes

- I am going to need to store the rest. Want to split a storage space? Or do you have some that I can give you something for?

- I am looking for electricians in: the Gulf Islands, Haida Gwaii, Tofino and Nelson who want a top-notch apprentice

- I am going to need some means of getting from A to B. Bus probably. Car possibly. Motorcycle romantically, but probably not. Bicycle definitely not.

- There will be a relatively cheap 2BR apartment up for grabs on The Drive in March or April or May. Possbily partially funished.

- Advice on an appropriate cellphone plan

Comments

[hundun.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that huge four-piece unit that used to be in Jhayne's.

I am thinking of leaving some of the furniture here for the next tenants.

But the couch is especially portable. It's very light. So it can go.