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the_fantastic_ms_foxAre envy and sex naturally intertwined?; two branches grown around each other; two snakes mating.
I know this isn't a healthy way to feel, but I need to acknowledge it.
I do a half-ass job of serious complaining. I'm not very good at having a healthy relationship with periods in my life where bad shit happened. I'm poor at saying "That was bad. I didn't deserve it. Now I'll deal with it."
Instead I'll say things like "It really bothers me when things like that happen to other people. What can I do to make sure that other people don't have to go through that."
I still don't know what underlies it. The need to feel in control? A lack of language to acknowledge what is, frankly, my experience at what can most succinctly be described as getting screwed over? The belief that since I have one form of priveledge on my side, that I can't take isse with other deficiencies? There. I said it.
I have a lot of good things going, and, yeah, I get it that others have it worse, but that's not a useful attitude to deal with rough patches: it teaches us that we have no right to feel angry or sad for ourselves as long as someone else is having a rougher time. Who is this singular person who is actually the worst off of all? Could they plesae stand up, or are they too weak from hunger, thirst, public ridicule, nervous disorders, and being pinned under an angry walrus? What do they tell themselves? It could, hypothetically speaking, get worse?
No. No. No.We need to I need to say "this sucks."
And then, maybe (read: "probably;" read "or soon, but I need to concentrate on this"), once I get that out, I'll say "okay then. let's fix it."
So I'm going to complain, and I will do so unapologetically.
The issue is that my ability to establish intimacy is truncated. More specifically, for the sake of this post, my sex life is a mess, and has been for some time, and there have been definite external causes in this.
Save for a period lasting roughly five months, I was on Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors from when I hit puberty until my fourth year of post-secondary. They had a lot of funny side-effects. One kind stopped me from salivating. Another probably contributed to childhood obesity. Whether SSRIs have permanent effects is still under investigation.
I'm told that my experience of going off of some of the kinds I was on was akin to that of people who are addicted to valium, then quit. Two exceptions: unlike valium, SSRIs don't promote drug-cravings; but also unlike valium, SSRIs are surrounded by this a social script about medicine that says you really should be on these and bad things might happen when you quit (or at least they were at the time - this seems to have diminished).
Oh right: sex life. SSRIs were suspected of causing "delayed orgasm." This is another term for "no orgasm." What I did not know is that they can also kill your libido, and in my case they did. Since I was on them since the start of puberty, I did not realize that they had quietly quashed my sex drive: I just thought that how I felt was normal - sex was theoretically interesting.
But why was I on SSRIs? Anxiety and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.
Mental Health note: OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) is often confused with OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder) if you are going to talk about someone behaving "like they have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder," even if it's yourself, please make sure that you understand the difference between the two. This is also true if you want to use the word "Schizophrenic," or mention "Tourette's Syndrome."
It's funny that all this Anxiety and OCD appeared around around the start of puberty. What happened then? Constantly bullied at school for acting in an abnormal fashion (read: gifted, possibly aspergery, non-gender-normative, definitely awkward). Displaced from the semi-family that I grew up with. Awkward bodily changes that I remember accepting with resignation and a little disgust.
OCD likely has a genetic cause, as does anxiety, but situational factors certainly aggravate both.
Phrased differently, instead of receiving help with being gifted, socially awkward and gender variant, I got medicated. What pisses me of is that I agreed to get medicated, and I can't figure out if I should be angry at my child-self for agreeing, or angry that I didn't know how to make a decision like that, and yet had to. And from then on I stayed medicated until I took it upon myself to break social norms and kick the habit. When that was done, proper emotional/coginitive/sexual development resumed about twelve years behind schedule. Fortunately I'm a quick study, but there's still that giant gap.
What about Envy and sex?
I'll get around to that later. But for now I'll go take a break and do something fun. Excuse me.
I know this isn't a healthy way to feel, but I need to acknowledge it.
I do a half-ass job of serious complaining. I'm not very good at having a healthy relationship with periods in my life where bad shit happened. I'm poor at saying "That was bad. I didn't deserve it. Now I'll deal with it."
Instead I'll say things like "It really bothers me when things like that happen to other people. What can I do to make sure that other people don't have to go through that."
I still don't know what underlies it. The need to feel in control? A lack of language to acknowledge what is, frankly, my experience at what can most succinctly be described as getting screwed over? The belief that since I have one form of priveledge on my side, that I can't take isse with other deficiencies? There. I said it.
I have a lot of good things going, and, yeah, I get it that others have it worse, but that's not a useful attitude to deal with rough patches: it teaches us that we have no right to feel angry or sad for ourselves as long as someone else is having a rougher time. Who is this singular person who is actually the worst off of all? Could they plesae stand up, or are they too weak from hunger, thirst, public ridicule, nervous disorders, and being pinned under an angry walrus? What do they tell themselves? It could, hypothetically speaking, get worse?
No. No. No.
And then, maybe (read: "probably;" read "or soon, but I need to concentrate on this"), once I get that out, I'll say "okay then. let's fix it."
So I'm going to complain, and I will do so unapologetically.
The issue is that my ability to establish intimacy is truncated. More specifically, for the sake of this post, my sex life is a mess, and has been for some time, and there have been definite external causes in this.
Save for a period lasting roughly five months, I was on Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors from when I hit puberty until my fourth year of post-secondary. They had a lot of funny side-effects. One kind stopped me from salivating. Another probably contributed to childhood obesity. Whether SSRIs have permanent effects is still under investigation.
I'm told that my experience of going off of some of the kinds I was on was akin to that of people who are addicted to valium, then quit. Two exceptions: unlike valium, SSRIs don't promote drug-cravings; but also unlike valium, SSRIs are surrounded by this a social script about medicine that says you really should be on these and bad things might happen when you quit (or at least they were at the time - this seems to have diminished).
Oh right: sex life. SSRIs were suspected of causing "delayed orgasm." This is another term for "no orgasm." What I did not know is that they can also kill your libido, and in my case they did. Since I was on them since the start of puberty, I did not realize that they had quietly quashed my sex drive: I just thought that how I felt was normal - sex was theoretically interesting.
But why was I on SSRIs? Anxiety and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.
Mental Health note: OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) is often confused with OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder) if you are going to talk about someone behaving "like they have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder," even if it's yourself, please make sure that you understand the difference between the two. This is also true if you want to use the word "Schizophrenic," or mention "Tourette's Syndrome."
It's funny that all this Anxiety and OCD appeared around around the start of puberty. What happened then? Constantly bullied at school for acting in an abnormal fashion (read: gifted, possibly aspergery, non-gender-normative, definitely awkward). Displaced from the semi-family that I grew up with. Awkward bodily changes that I remember accepting with resignation and a little disgust.
OCD likely has a genetic cause, as does anxiety, but situational factors certainly aggravate both.
Phrased differently, instead of receiving help with being gifted, socially awkward and gender variant, I got medicated. What pisses me of is that I agreed to get medicated, and I can't figure out if I should be angry at my child-self for agreeing, or angry that I didn't know how to make a decision like that, and yet had to. And from then on I stayed medicated until I took it upon myself to break social norms and kick the habit. When that was done, proper emotional/coginitive/sexual development resumed about twelve years behind schedule. Fortunately I'm a quick study, but there's still that giant gap.
What about Envy and sex?
I'll get around to that later. But for now I'll go take a break and do something fun. Excuse me.
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no subject
Date: 2007-08-30 06:14 pm (UTC)i did that yesterday in a fit of tantrum.
no subject
Date: 2007-08-30 09:18 pm (UTC)I have a lot of thoughts in my head re: 'mental illness', agency, making decisions under social pressure and mental emotional duress, personal responsability, 'victimhood' etc. Basically, I realise I have a deep need not to be a 'victim' of the psych institution, but I also need to acknowledge that the decks really are stacked against those of us who have emotional/psychological stuff that is considered problematic. Where to draw the line, tho? How to deal with your psych past now?
Er, tea?
no subject
Date: 2007-08-30 10:45 pm (UTC)The "victim" or "I just got shafted" label is a tricky one.
Tea!
no subject
Date: 2007-08-30 10:52 pm (UTC)Tea this weekend?
I'm avail Sat during the day as well as evening - I just realised I'll prolly spend Friday night holed up, nesting. (Which is how I'm [kinda] dealing with my current depression.)