(no subject)
Nov. 5th, 2006 11:57 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
the_fantastic_ms_foxBIO was fun. Light pain pushes me into an altered state of conscousness - my eyes roll back in my head and my mind drifts off. It's a pleasant experience. Using the blood that beads from the pinpricks to draw little swirlies to complement lovely face-paint work is also fun.
The COPE policy meeting, while less masochistic, also brought me a sense of satisfaction. It was a little awkward to both introduce myself as Sasha and bring up the issue of transgender/intersex/parent-child/caregiver-client access to washrooms and changerooms in the recreation facilities. It seemed to go over well.
The COPE policy meeting, while less masochistic, also brought me a sense of satisfaction. It was a little awkward to both introduce myself as Sasha and bring up the issue of transgender/intersex/parent-child/caregiver-client access to washrooms and changerooms in the recreation facilities. It seemed to go over well.
I have heard back from a doctor regarding blood work for endocrine therapy. This, taken with introducing myself at COPE, makes clear the reality of transition: this is no longer a thought experiment, but a very real option, and this wakes me up.
I know that I do not feel comfortable as a man. It's a belittling experience. I don't think that there's anything inherently dodgy or degrading about masculinity in its various forms, in fact I think it's very healthy for many people in many situations, including myself. But for me, being a man is a stretch: it's a role in which I'm not comfortable, like day labour, or being the oldest person in a 100-level class that I could probably teach.
Still, there's some nameless worry that takes issue with this plan. I hear that a good way to deal with anxiety is to try to sort out the worst case scenario for each option and form a contigency plan.
A: Transition:
1. I am afraid of living the rest of my life with "MTF" stamped on my forehead. I see what happens to MTFs who can't pass. Employment is less of a worry for me, but it can still be a real obstacle. There's also the violence, and the weird social reactions, the averted gazes that gender-deviance brings about, and which I'm seeing even now. The big question for me is "can I pass, and what are the consquences if I can't." If I can't pass, I'll try and fail to pass where and when it's safe to do so, and where it isn't, I'll be a funny-looking man.
2. I am afraid of doing something really stupid. I'm having trouble clarifying the roots of this. I'm generally too worried about looking stupid: when decide to do what I feel like doing, I'm almost always very happy, and I always learn something (like "pay the doctor the next time you need a wart removed.")
3. Doctors. I don't mind doctors, but I realize that they have the power to judge my gender and say what I can do with my body. I need to feel that I have some control. One solution to this is explaining to medical professionals how I feel and how this is affecting the process. If I can do this while keeping in mind that I can go elsewhere for treatment, this should solve things.
4. This involves spending a lot of time and money on crazy body-altering things (hair removal etc..), and my nuclear family (which is to say, my mother) doesn't particularly approve of cosmetic body alteration. I'm also wary of obsessing over one's appearance, chasing perfection. Then again, tihs feels right.
I can think of a dozen explanations as to why I'm not trans, but addressing some of them hasn't brought me the kind of resolution as seeing myself as trans. Addressing the other issues, I've had some success, but this success has highlighted that these other issues aren't at the root of my gender identity. One example is the issue of masculinity: I realize that it's just fine to be a man, and I'm good at some masculine things (like having needles stuck through my arm) - but realizing this only clarifies where I stand on my gender.
B: Don't transition:
1. I'm afraid of not doing something that's right for me, and important, and I know that the sooner I transition, the easier it will be, both in terms of medical efficacy, and my career.
C: Other options:
1. I recall the case of one person who thought that their gender issues might be best solved by doses of testosterone and all the rest of the FTM grab-bag, but who decided on leaving their body alone, changing their name (I think) and ID'ing as genderqueer. I play with this idea, but it comes up dry. This comes from the fact that my gender isn't so much the issue as my sex. I feel comfortably androgynous; the gender equivalent of ambidextrous. My body is the issue. One route is to do some things but not others to my body. I could start with anti-androgens and hair removal, and decide on other medication later.
I had a spiritual dream that gave me some advice on resolving this issue, and some other ideas for mays of sorting this out, but I've been unable to make headway on either of these angles.
I need to make a doctor's appointment.
I know that I do not feel comfortable as a man. It's a belittling experience. I don't think that there's anything inherently dodgy or degrading about masculinity in its various forms, in fact I think it's very healthy for many people in many situations, including myself. But for me, being a man is a stretch: it's a role in which I'm not comfortable, like day labour, or being the oldest person in a 100-level class that I could probably teach.
Still, there's some nameless worry that takes issue with this plan. I hear that a good way to deal with anxiety is to try to sort out the worst case scenario for each option and form a contigency plan.
A: Transition:
1. I am afraid of living the rest of my life with "MTF" stamped on my forehead. I see what happens to MTFs who can't pass. Employment is less of a worry for me, but it can still be a real obstacle. There's also the violence, and the weird social reactions, the averted gazes that gender-deviance brings about, and which I'm seeing even now. The big question for me is "can I pass, and what are the consquences if I can't." If I can't pass, I'll try and fail to pass where and when it's safe to do so, and where it isn't, I'll be a funny-looking man.
2. I am afraid of doing something really stupid. I'm having trouble clarifying the roots of this. I'm generally too worried about looking stupid: when decide to do what I feel like doing, I'm almost always very happy, and I always learn something (like "pay the doctor the next time you need a wart removed.")
3. Doctors. I don't mind doctors, but I realize that they have the power to judge my gender and say what I can do with my body. I need to feel that I have some control. One solution to this is explaining to medical professionals how I feel and how this is affecting the process. If I can do this while keeping in mind that I can go elsewhere for treatment, this should solve things.
4. This involves spending a lot of time and money on crazy body-altering things (hair removal etc..), and my nuclear family (which is to say, my mother) doesn't particularly approve of cosmetic body alteration. I'm also wary of obsessing over one's appearance, chasing perfection. Then again, tihs feels right.
I can think of a dozen explanations as to why I'm not trans, but addressing some of them hasn't brought me the kind of resolution as seeing myself as trans. Addressing the other issues, I've had some success, but this success has highlighted that these other issues aren't at the root of my gender identity. One example is the issue of masculinity: I realize that it's just fine to be a man, and I'm good at some masculine things (like having needles stuck through my arm) - but realizing this only clarifies where I stand on my gender.
B: Don't transition:
1. I'm afraid of not doing something that's right for me, and important, and I know that the sooner I transition, the easier it will be, both in terms of medical efficacy, and my career.
C: Other options:
1. I recall the case of one person who thought that their gender issues might be best solved by doses of testosterone and all the rest of the FTM grab-bag, but who decided on leaving their body alone, changing their name (I think) and ID'ing as genderqueer. I play with this idea, but it comes up dry. This comes from the fact that my gender isn't so much the issue as my sex. I feel comfortably androgynous; the gender equivalent of ambidextrous. My body is the issue. One route is to do some things but not others to my body. I could start with anti-androgens and hair removal, and decide on other medication later.
I had a spiritual dream that gave me some advice on resolving this issue, and some other ideas for mays of sorting this out, but I've been unable to make headway on either of these angles.
I need to make a doctor's appointment.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-11-05 08:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-05 08:58 pm (UTC)Or at least, when I do it, it's totally macho. Of course, in my world I can be a macho girl, etc.
I'm totally macho about my leg burn.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-06 01:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-06 02:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-06 03:30 am (UTC)A lot of my exp with anal sex is terribly macho 'OMG this hurt and I don't think I can do it but I'll prove I can", etc.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-06 04:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-06 04:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-06 04:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-06 08:20 pm (UTC)http://madisonave.ca/ve/ve-0001.html