"This Shit Will Fuck You Up"

[the_fantastic_ms_fox]

Contemplating your gender with an air of heavy skepticism...

...is a serious mind-fuck. I recommend it, but with large flashing caveats attached. Not as good or happy as mushrooms, but cheaper, longer-lasting, and more likely to inculde guaranteed life-lessons.

...carries the same sort of purified, draining feeling you get after talking to a counsellor about somethig uncomfortable

...stands akin to the process of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, despair, acceptance

...is a soul-searching exercise.

...confirms the value of individuality, and allows you to see yourself as a part of larger, mysterious social processes.

...gives you access to the secret genderqueer-radar - I'm not sure how this works, but it does - or at least I think it does. Keep in mind that I'm coming from the perspective of being bloody obvlivious, so maybe I'm just more relaxed now or something.

Comments

[froggymcgee.livejournal.com]

Which part of it do you have to contemplate with skepticism?

[hundun.livejournal.com]

A fine question!

I don't /have/ to contemplate any of it at all - or at least I like to think that it's my choice to interrogate my cisgender identity first, and alternative identities second. I acknowledge that it's actually been the other way around though.

[froggymcgee.livejournal.com]

Oh yes. It's not really something that requires contemplating, most of the world seems to get on fine with its acceptance of the gender of birth.

I suppose, what I meant, is which aspect of genderfucking do you have to contemplate with skepticism? Is it questioning whether your birth gender actually fits with what's going on in your mind? Or is it more the dynamics of gender roles in general?

I mostly ask this because I'm going through an awkward phase where I'm really confused about where on the gender spectrum I fall. I feel internally more like a guy, but I notice actions and things I do that are quite feminine. Mostly I question you about your journey so we might both figure things out for ourselves more.

I always learn more about myself when I explain what I'm thinking.

[hundun.livejournal.com]

I've felt skeptical towards gender roles in general for a long time; now I can't help but think that they seem to be good for some people, and maybe I jumped the gun.

Now the skepticism comes through in questions like "Am I really that feminine? I'm certainly less girly than an MTF is 'supposed' to be." and "Is the inconvenience of transition really necessary? Maybe I can just re-label myself and use my imagination."

Further consideration tells me that maybe "skepticism" is the wrong word (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Denial and, less sarcastically but of equal seriousness, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stages_of_grief)

I totally empathize with being 'confused about where one falls on the spectrum.' This may be particularly common in the intersection of our generation and subculture. At least that's what I've been gathering. And so, I've concluded that it isn't a behaviour problem - I can behave as I see fit - the problem is one of body. Gender is an issue, but sex is too.

I want to get together with other "rogue transgender" types: people who don't particularly want to "invert their gender and turn up the contrast" so to speak. Labelled/unlabelled was good for that. Do you want to get some coffee - maybe bring along any other genderfucked people you know?

[froggymcgee.livejournal.com]

You know, I really wouldn't mind going out for coffee and talking about it. It seems like you have a more intellectual point of view on it, and it'd be nice to talk about with someone who understands it from the inside a bit more. We seem to have a lot of the same questions, too.

Unfortunately, most of the genderfucked people I know are on the internet, other than my (ex)roommate Paula, who's an MtF undergoing transition, but she's moved down to the states. But I'd be interested if you know anyone genderfucked, to meet them.

I won't know my work schedule till late tonight, but I'll let you know what days I'm available. :)