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Prior to this entry, content comes from Livejournal. After this entry, it comes from here.

Dreams of barbed tongues, blood letted

I often dream of terrible arguments. With people who I trust, or who represent leadership in something important to me - i.e. geeks, progressive circles. In the argument, something I value is threatened, and the dream often ends before it is either lost or saved.

I wake up shaken. When this happens, I know that it will be hard to get back to sleep.

Alone in waking life, I find myself angry, arguing with myself. Calling out absent people, including my past self, angry. Frustrated.

This happens because I am not speaking my mind enough, not being assertive, plain spoken enough. I hold my tongue. I sacrifice honesty for the appearance of unity. I fear losing my status as an in-group member. I fear being called out on it. I fear being labelled "a bad person."

Last Summer, I had a falling out with a friend, she lost faith in me as a community leader. Not all of her confidence left, and some did return, but there is a change, perhaps a permanent one. To my surprise, I found this refreshing. I would rather lose status honestly and openly, than maintain high status falsely.


To that end, I shall open this new journal. Or, as is written in Persistence: A Butch-Femme Reader, "if I have not ruffled enough feathers, let me start plucking"


Of course, everything will be displayed in the order of most recent to oldest.

Reflections of an MtF butch

When I transitioned to female, I expected sexism like my female friends experienced. But, two years in, I was surprised and shaken, to find that people were listening to my opinion more, critiquing my appearance less, and showing greater confidence in my abilities. When I did manual labour, I might have to ask guys not to carry things for me, but, ironically, I was no longer accused of not pulling my weight. I could declare an opinion about technology and not have it shot down. And I could ask a question about technology and have it answered. (On a related note, I have since left non-profits and social sciences for management and metalwork). I rarely received unwanted sexual attention and, when I did, I could usually shut it down quickly. As a bonus I could even initiate sexual interactions without people looking at me goggle eyed, like I've just stepped out of a flying saucer.

This is weird. My demographically similar female friends got harassed and snubbed. And those who were transsexual, they also got threatened. What gives?

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