Coming out. Again. This would explain why I'm so damn twitchy.

[the_fantastic_ms_fox]

Strange - after a bit of a lull, I seem to be back going over my queer issues.

(Note the use of the term "queer issues" and not "gender issues. See below)

Following my own advice, I plan to look at the context and not hold back with my thoughts.

Context 1 - presenting as female:
- Arriving in class and representing the Student Union at a table, I am presenting unrder my definitely female name instead of my transitional one. By this I mean that I'm presenting  as (trans?)female, full stop, and generally being received as such instead of that queer person, I guess he's a boy but that person just called him "she" - WTF?

I had been identifying and "living as female," whatever that means. It was acceptable, but not great. I didn't hope to give a female impression, and was satisfied, but not thrilled, with interim androgyny outwardly and discomfort inwardly.

But now I'm trying to be present as female and succeeding and it's a shock. By "succeeding" I do not mean that I'm seen as female all the time by everyone - or that I particularly want to. I mean instead that others' perceptions of me are starting to fall into line with how I feel about myself. Being seen as female is starting to eclipse being seen as male, and when It doesn't, it's not always my body that's in the way, but rather my non-feminine presentation, and that sits easier with me, and besides, queers and allies tend to "get it."

More importantly, I feel like I'm less of a boy whose trying to be a girl, and more of course I'm a girl, yes I'm trans, what's your (by which I mean "my" because this is a conversation with myself) problem? That's good, and I think it's on the increase.

Now I'm moving through a different social context, and I'm making something real which, five years ago, was an idle and frustrating daydream, a year ago, seemed impossible, and months ago seemed in the distant future. Now it's here, much sooner than I expected. I did it: I made the trip and am getting settled in, and it touches every aspect of my life, which is welcome in part, but in part conflicts with how I think the world should work (insofar as I don't think that perceived gender should affect how people react to you but I like some of the changes). It's also just plain culture shock. Good thing I read up on the new country before I moved here.

Actually, saying I "read up before I did this" is kind of like saying that someone who did a minor in Chinese Studies "looked at a few books before moving to China." Of course, such a student would probably have read at least a few books that were written by people who made the trip rather than people who lived in China their whole life and assumed that only other Chinese-born people would be reading them. In any case, this academic/travel metaphor leads me to refer to changing my sex as "my women's studies master's thesis; you know, a participant-ethnography thing." I should try to get a grant.

Oh, no wait, I am trying to get a grant. Just not in those exact terms.


Context 2 - queer:
Having come across as female to both others and myself, I can begin the long process of examining other parts of my identity.  For example, day two of the renaming ritual drove home that I'm a queer girl - both in who I sleep with, and in how I present to others - and hence in how the world and I interact.

But I was busy and after I exited the ritual, I shelved it without thinking.


Context 1 + Context 2:
I'm both dealing with a new set of cultural rules and dealing with the mess that is self-describing as a different-but-intertwined type of queer, and being taken as such.

AKA: I'm coming out. But now it's as a dyke (who is also trans) rather than as trans (who is working on being a a dyke, but sees this as a long-term kind of thing that can be put on the back burner).

This would explain why I'm so damn twitchy.

Weird. Interesting. Tiring. Familiar. Should be a smoother ride this time.

Comments

[scratchdaddy.livejournal.com]

I saw you at the meeting tonight and I have something to say that I believe is related to your post. I don't know if you'll consider it a compliment or good news or offensive or what, but here it is:

I consider myself to be a straight guy who is only interested in women and I would totally do you.

Yes, good news

[hundun.livejournal.com]

Wow. No one has ever said anything like that to me before, so there's little past experience through which to see it, save for some loose social programming that was never aimed at me - so there's raised eyebrows here, and definitely laughter.

I really do prefer it when people are totally blunt with me. So, thank you. The complicated ways that my identity interweaves with others' perceptions and opinions very much interests me.

Oh yeah - I'm also really bloody insecure about this appearing in public as a new gender business, so your the positive comments (or failing that, constructive advice) are most welcome. Cheers.

Re: Yes, good news

[hundun.livejournal.com]

Or, in other words, it's cool. And thank you for your thoughts.