The interview that precedes swapping out your junk

[the_fantastic_ms_fox]

I go for "assessment" at ten tomorrow morning. This involves getting interview by two psychiatrists at once. They form an opinion as to whether Sexual Reassignment Surgery is warranted in my case.

Sexual Reassignment Surgery is also known as:
- SRS
- Genital Reassignment Surgery
- Genital Reconsturction Surgery
- Gender Reassignment Surgery
- Gender Confirmation Surgery
- A combined orchiectomy and vaginoplasty using available tissue
- A Sex Change
- Turning your outie into an innie
- The Big Switch

Note how all of these connote slightly different things about the process's nature and purpose

Whatever you call it, I'm very happy that I will be going for it at some point soon.

The bodily alienation around my genitals has only become more pronounced. Now and then I'll realize that I have one hand in my pants, and get this icky feeling and remove it.

But what is that hand doing in my pants? I'm not scratching or playing with myself. No. My hand is tracing the area where my scrotum meets my body and gently, then not-so-gently tugging on the tissue this side of the "seam". You know what it's like to unconsciously pick at a scab? Or a glue dried to your skin? Or a wart? Unconsciously, my mind has decided that my genitals are a foreign body, and is trying to quietly pull them off because they're stuck on and obstructing whatever's beneath.

This is weird. I know I was born with them. They are attached to my body. My immune system isn't rejecting them, and they're made out of flesh and blood so I can assume they share my DNA. In a physio-biological sense, they are undoubtably "mine." Yet I can function as long as I don't think about them. This is one of the reasons why I wear briefs: ladies's shorts tend to press your nuts up against you, like no one thought about this when they were designing them (and the only panties I have are extra-large and made-in-thailand, so this really is a surprise).

But they're not supposed to be a part of me. I know this. Genital sex surprised me because it felt like sensations were coming from a couple inches above my body. Urination is normal unless I notice that the urethral sensations are external, like someone attached a tube to me, then atteched nerves to it. I'll see myself in the mirror naked and think, what the fuck is that doing there? Etcetera.

Have you noticed the lack of a reference to "penis" here? The dysphoria for me seems most pronounced around my testicles. It makes a certain degree of sense. Erections annoy me (although they now only happen during arousal rather than just whenever), but a penis and a big clit are the same thing in the same place, just on different scales. Testicles on the other hand are a different type of tissue in a very different location from ovaries. And they make androgen, which is what puts you through male puberty.

I'm looking forward to the surgery. I'm still hesitant to belive that this is actually possible; that this is not another dream to be dispelled on waking. But when I realize it's real, that I can finish this, there is a great

Some aspects of this still annoy and intimidate me

1. I still think this is a stupid process. Can you imagine sending cissexed people to shrinks to have them tell them their gender? I'd be happy to go for counselling sessions, then decide for myself, but counselling isn't really available, and the fact that I decided a year and a half ago doesn't matter.

2. I don't have much faith in one of the people performing the assessment. I am not alone in this.

3. They are looknig for signs that I "exhibit behaviour appropriate to my gender identity." This would be fine except that I don't think they see "a butch" as "a gender identity." Maybe I should wear my girly-drag masquerade outfit. Why yes, I do usually wear a  spaghetti-strap dress and pumps. Why do you ask?

But there are things that make this easier

1. More than one friend has volunteered to come with me (to the appointment not the surgery), and the assessors's office says one companion is okay, so I'll not be going alone

2. The assessment process really has improved a lot in the last few years, which was an improvement over a decade ago, which was better than three decades ago

3. I can present as more gender-normative for the duration of the interview. Every other tranny does it.

4. Several people who have been through this say I should be okay

5. if they deny me, it will probably be temporary (although if it is followed by repeating "temporary" delays, this is as good as a block)

6. I have a backup plan. Actually I have several


I hope I can record the interview. That would be awesome.




It's too bad that we can't just do genital transplants. But "Who would be comfortable having their genitals removed after death, especially knowing that they'd be used for a sex change suregry?" Some people ask this, but it is missing the point. You don't need dead genital donors. There are enough healthy transsexuals out there that we should have an equal number of live donors and recipients. And since the tissue matches would be mutual, you'd just have to do operations in parallel.

Comments

[estrellada.livejournal.com]

Your last point is funny - since I'm comfortable with my other tissues being removed and put in another's body and goodnessknowswhat done to them - "You're smoking with my former lungs? GRR!" I don't see why my gentials would be different. Also, at least there would be a chance for them to have some more fun.

[sciencequeen.livejournal.com]

You know in an odd way, I don't really see a female with a penis exactly being a problem, however you've described it almost as if you have this unwanted appendage...like a big gross hairy mole (that you also happen to current use for peeing and fucking also).

I can't wait to read the post on after the assessment! :D

[eva00.livejournal.com]

You'd think that the amount of surgery you've already paid for out-of-pocket in order to feel like YOU would hold a little weight in this upcoming conversation.

I'd hope it would.