FFS + 1 month
Jun. 3rd, 2008 11:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
the_fantastic_ms_foxI cover my eyes and jerk them away. Holy shit - it's changed!
And then I eagerly put them back again, enjoying the shift with every digit.
FFS doesn't so much feel as "a good idea," so much as Oh, I did that? You mean my skull has changed? This is new, isn't it? Well it's right, so I'm damn glad I went through with it. Proud even.
I can now do physical exertion again. No (ahem) "contact sports" for another three months. No hair pulling (partially as a byproduct of said "contact sports" for another eleven.
Jaw: I can open my mouth almost as far as normal, although some thicker foods cause me pain. I wonder when (if?) I'll be able to fit my fist in my mouth again. Months? Ever? The suture areas still swell up a bit after eating. Sensation in my left lower lip has almost entirely returned.
Brow: all healed up now. Just a little puffy now and then.
Hairline: The suture on my forehead is mostly a pink line of new/healing skin. There are still a few scabs towards either ear. It isn't normally visible, but some of the hair on either side of the suture fell out. My understanding is that it is normal for hair to do this when a deep cut is healing so that it doesn't grow into the wound. The top of my head is still numb. There's still a pinch of recession, but it's odd.
Cut between nose and lip: There is some cold prickly tingling now and then. It's healed well: it just looks like I've been blowing my nose a lot. I think that lifting my upper lip can look a little odd, and it makes me conscious of the state of my teeth (which have mostly shed the black stain that is a side-effect of the antimicrobial mouthwash), but it does look female, which was the point.
Plusses:
I don't put my hand to my jaw, and jerk it away thinking that's not right
Bright overhead lights, camera flashes, profile photos and the sun don't out me. You may have noticed that last Summer I wore my shades religiously? Or that the photos of myself that you'll see on my Facebook profile are from the front without a flash? This is why.
I can now slick my hair back and still look female. A female with an ear-to-ear suture is still female.
I am getting called she more often, and yet many people don't notice a difference until I point out the changes to them. A good balance.
My face is the right shape. I can feel it.
Other changes
As I had intuited earlier, the physical/emotional/social process that is surgery has set something off; hauled it wet and writhing out of my unconscious and dropped across from me on the table. I'm still not sure what "it" is, but I see the following.
- I see in increasing clarity how so much of my day-to-day psychological conduct was modified by coping with or silencing that I felt awful in my body and couldn't do anything about it. This is kind of like cleaning out the attic after you've been shoving junk in it for years to the point where it's become untraversable, dusty and lightless.
How long is this going to take? Well, how long did you spend filling it up with junk? Uncovering old feelings of helplessness hurts. Sometimes it's a good hurt. Either way, it needs to happen.
- I've settled further into feeling female by default, and being trains is less of an issue. Of course I'm female. What? Yeah I'm transsexual - what of it? I was born in the United States too. Does that make me less of a Canadian? No-it-does-not. This is a nice way to feel. It's even coming across in my dreams.
- I am definitely in for genital surgery.
- I feel more room to play with my gender expression, as my body (and my self-confidence?) are less of an obstacle now. To my irritation, since I'm feeling more female, I seem to be castigating myself for not being more normative. This pisses me off.
I know there's nothing wrong with gender variance it in others - so why not myself? It's like there's this grinding external pressure to be a just a little more girly, and it works its way in to my head and says some pretty hurtful things. Oh wait - it's called "sexism and homophobia." Right.
Still, I am curious. I like being curious. The mental muddle is this:
- I feel that my body will hold me back; that I'll be a-man-in-a-dress. And I hate being a man. This is part of why I've never been in to cross-dressing: it just emphasized that I had the wrong body. It also made me look like a feminine man, which, in terms of gender, is kinda missing hte mark for me.
- Do you know how much time, skill and money goes into looking even moderately normatively feminine? I have other things to do.
- I find that a more masculine/butch appearance makes me feel really confident. I actually enjoy wearing ties now. And I look good - and I know it.
- I think it's good to go out and explore different options. I haven't tried out looking feminine that often.
- Hair. I have no idea what to do with long hair. I didn't even learn guy-level hair skills. And now and then I want to get a really short haircut. Usually when I'm feeling stressed, so I don't know how long I'll be able to grow it.
- Trying to perform femininity make me feel confined, awkward. I get compliments, but I don't want 'em. (This follows up on going to a funeral dressed in the set of clothes that I have that is both feminine and semiformal. I did this because I was seeing people that I'd not seen since I started transition, and I find that this is a good time to girl it up and drive home the fact that yes I am a different gender now)
- Am I motivated by experimentation, exploration and courage, or is it shame for not being more normative? I'm happy, even honoured, to follow the former, but I'll be dead and cremated before I bow to the latter ever again. Besides that, I don't need any more gender-related stress in my life, so if exploration is stressful, maybe I should give it a few months.
(Yeah. We have a winner. Hence the green text.)
- Edit - you may notice that I'm putting a great deal of thought into this. When you are changing your sex, how you present to others and yourself becomes a carefully analyzed and calculated thing. Why? You want to feel comfortable and geniune and you want to telegraph a message that communicates "yes I am X now, not Y" and consistancy helps, and because your opinion of how you come across may not be the same as that of the users of the same washroom who may then... well it's not fun, and in many cases you've never been able to do this before so it's all new and weird, and because it's a major long term project, and dammit you want to get it right. Or maybe I'm just overthinking it, and it's time to chill the fuck out and have fun.
Mmm. I've learned that the best way to approachself exploration Life is to grab a bunchof things that you enjoy and do them, and if you don't know what you enjoy, to try things out. So if I don't like a particular aspect of being feminine, I should just do the parts that I like. Of course, this approach can be scary as it almost always involves combining aspects that our society thinks should never meet.
There will be progress photos, but I want to be able to get a good survey over time. Probably going to be a few months
And then I eagerly put them back again, enjoying the shift with every digit.
FFS doesn't so much feel as "a good idea," so much as Oh, I did that? You mean my skull has changed? This is new, isn't it? Well it's right, so I'm damn glad I went through with it. Proud even.
I can now do physical exertion again. No (ahem) "contact sports" for another three months. No hair pulling (partially as a byproduct of said "contact sports" for another eleven.
Jaw: I can open my mouth almost as far as normal, although some thicker foods cause me pain. I wonder when (if?) I'll be able to fit my fist in my mouth again. Months? Ever? The suture areas still swell up a bit after eating. Sensation in my left lower lip has almost entirely returned.
Brow: all healed up now. Just a little puffy now and then.
Hairline: The suture on my forehead is mostly a pink line of new/healing skin. There are still a few scabs towards either ear. It isn't normally visible, but some of the hair on either side of the suture fell out. My understanding is that it is normal for hair to do this when a deep cut is healing so that it doesn't grow into the wound. The top of my head is still numb. There's still a pinch of recession, but it's odd.
Cut between nose and lip: There is some cold prickly tingling now and then. It's healed well: it just looks like I've been blowing my nose a lot. I think that lifting my upper lip can look a little odd, and it makes me conscious of the state of my teeth (which have mostly shed the black stain that is a side-effect of the antimicrobial mouthwash), but it does look female, which was the point.
Plusses:
I don't put my hand to my jaw, and jerk it away thinking that's not right
Bright overhead lights, camera flashes, profile photos and the sun don't out me. You may have noticed that last Summer I wore my shades religiously? Or that the photos of myself that you'll see on my Facebook profile are from the front without a flash? This is why.
I can now slick my hair back and still look female. A female with an ear-to-ear suture is still female.
I am getting called she more often, and yet many people don't notice a difference until I point out the changes to them. A good balance.
My face is the right shape. I can feel it.
Other changes
As I had intuited earlier, the physical/emotional/social process that is surgery has set something off; hauled it wet and writhing out of my unconscious and dropped across from me on the table. I'm still not sure what "it" is, but I see the following.
- I see in increasing clarity how so much of my day-to-day psychological conduct was modified by coping with or silencing that I felt awful in my body and couldn't do anything about it. This is kind of like cleaning out the attic after you've been shoving junk in it for years to the point where it's become untraversable, dusty and lightless.
How long is this going to take? Well, how long did you spend filling it up with junk? Uncovering old feelings of helplessness hurts. Sometimes it's a good hurt. Either way, it needs to happen.
- I've settled further into feeling female by default, and being trains is less of an issue. Of course I'm female. What? Yeah I'm transsexual - what of it? I was born in the United States too. Does that make me less of a Canadian? No-it-does-not. This is a nice way to feel. It's even coming across in my dreams.
- I am definitely in for genital surgery.
- I feel more room to play with my gender expression, as my body (and my self-confidence?) are less of an obstacle now. To my irritation, since I'm feeling more female, I seem to be castigating myself for not being more normative. This pisses me off.
I know there's nothing wrong with gender variance it in others - so why not myself? It's like there's this grinding external pressure to be a just a little more girly, and it works its way in to my head and says some pretty hurtful things. Oh wait - it's called "sexism and homophobia." Right.
Still, I am curious. I like being curious. The mental muddle is this:
- I feel that my body will hold me back; that I'll be a-man-in-a-dress. And I hate being a man. This is part of why I've never been in to cross-dressing: it just emphasized that I had the wrong body. It also made me look like a feminine man, which, in terms of gender, is kinda missing hte mark for me.
- Do you know how much time, skill and money goes into looking even moderately normatively feminine? I have other things to do.
- I find that a more masculine/butch appearance makes me feel really confident. I actually enjoy wearing ties now. And I look good - and I know it.
- I think it's good to go out and explore different options. I haven't tried out looking feminine that often.
- Hair. I have no idea what to do with long hair. I didn't even learn guy-level hair skills. And now and then I want to get a really short haircut. Usually when I'm feeling stressed, so I don't know how long I'll be able to grow it.
- Trying to perform femininity make me feel confined, awkward. I get compliments, but I don't want 'em. (This follows up on going to a funeral dressed in the set of clothes that I have that is both feminine and semiformal. I did this because I was seeing people that I'd not seen since I started transition, and I find that this is a good time to girl it up and drive home the fact that yes I am a different gender now)
- Am I motivated by experimentation, exploration and courage, or is it shame for not being more normative? I'm happy, even honoured, to follow the former, but I'll be dead and cremated before I bow to the latter ever again. Besides that, I don't need any more gender-related stress in my life, so if exploration is stressful, maybe I should give it a few months.
(Yeah. We have a winner. Hence the green text.)
- Edit - you may notice that I'm putting a great deal of thought into this. When you are changing your sex, how you present to others and yourself becomes a carefully analyzed and calculated thing. Why? You want to feel comfortable and geniune and you want to telegraph a message that communicates "yes I am X now, not Y" and consistancy helps, and because your opinion of how you come across may not be the same as that of the users of the same washroom who may then... well it's not fun, and in many cases you've never been able to do this before so it's all new and weird, and because it's a major long term project, and dammit you want to get it right. Or maybe I'm just overthinking it, and it's time to chill the fuck out and have fun.
Mmm. I've learned that the best way to approach
There will be progress photos, but I want to be able to get a good survey over time. Probably going to be a few months
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-06-04 02:58 pm (UTC)(The photos are ones I found of me in my late teens or early twenties. I look rather like a teenage boy. A grouchy one that doesn't want his photo taken. It made me giggle, I'd almost managed to forget that I wasn't always a girly-girl.)
no subject
Date: 2008-06-04 03:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-04 03:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-04 04:28 pm (UTC)Also, I offer my help to you for girliness.. as I am one of those people who hardly ever 'girl it up' but still know tasteful ways to appear feminine, regardless.
Though I must say, there is something entirely charming about a short-haired, manly woman. You have a good body type and face (though now changed) to pull that look off wonderfully. I think it will do you good. :D
no subject
Date: 2008-06-04 04:24 pm (UTC)I think there's a certain amount of social context involved, but I thought it was neat to see that your presentation really is altered, even if it's hard for me to quantify the changes.
no subject
Date: 2008-06-04 09:04 pm (UTC)I'm still learning make-up and am awful with hair other than knowing how to flat iron it or tossing it into a pony tail.
I never had a sister or any girly girly friends so I'm learning stuff late o-o
Can't wait to see you at the masquerade XD
no subject
Date: 2008-06-05 01:29 am (UTC)I could never bring myself to read those horrible sexist girly "cosmo-type" magazines. The assumptions of dressing to please others and not myself first bother me intensely in those things.
That said, I really know how to use hairpins and those little butterfly clips and not much else really. There's a reason I don't cut my hair. I'd half to learn what to do with med-length hair all over again (and short hair on me = the no, and i can show you photos)
You probably know more about make-up that I do too. I learned how to do a couple specific things "for work" or "for dressing up", but usually don't bother/ have a clue.
I think a lot of women feel the same "why aren't I more normative" feelings, along with the pressure to be girly to get approval. It's a real bitch sweetie, and it's nice to hear someone else describe it so concretely, for all it isn't a nice thing.