(no subject)
Apr. 24th, 2008 09:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
the_fantastic_ms_foxIn a week, I will be waking up with some pretty scary-looking bruises, cuts, and stitches, but happier for it. I hope.
But until then, I need to do something with all this tension. So I write.
In July of 2006, I had not yet sorted out my issues, but was thinking of taking female hormones (as in hormones: "yes;" transition: "huh? wuzzat?"). Skimming through whatever I could find on the topic took me throguh transgender webpages and eventually I wound up here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Facial_feminization_surgery, or maybe it was another page that's no longer online.
And my eyebrows go up.
So it's possible to change the shape of your face?
I filed this in the back of my head.
I'd thought about transition before, but had assumed that I wasn't really a transsexual.
A good portion of this stemmed from the fear of marginalization. Would my family reject me? Would I be able to get by day-to-day?
If I was readable as trans, the latter would be a real issue. And I assumed that I would be readable. My appearace at the time was not condusive to being seen as girly. Other people saw it though.
"Face" is one of the two things that I thought couldn't be changed, and so would always give me away. The other being voice - which, I knew you can change with practice, but had never mastered it.
(Only now do I realize that only two people have my full-on definitely-a-girl voice - I find that it doesn't sound like me, so I go with the speaking voice you probably here day to day).
As for family? My grandma just died. She was the last of the eldest generation.
So it was about two weeks after that that I put everything together. It was like solving a riddle.
From then on, Facial Feminization Surgery looked like a necessary step to me - this was compounded by the horror/suicide stories I heard at the transsexual support group. And I assumed that I'd always stick out as MtF - thus being subject to the same social ostracism.
Actually the point was subtler than that. The reason that I never felt pleased about using female article of clothing was twofold: first, most are more feminine than represents me; second, and more important, most are cut for female bodies, and so highlight the fact that I'm not what I know myself to be. In other words, dressing like a girl gave the message that I am both girly and male when I am happiest as neither.
And walking around with a male face while presenting as female can say much the same thing. I'd like to get it out of my head, and everyone else's but I'm not sure how.
So what I was really worried about was not looking female to myself.
Now, it turns out that I don't really need FFS to pass to myself, let alone to others. Just before I got my latest haircut, I'd get up in the morning, glance at the mirror and think holy shit, I really look like a girl.
Still, I know that it's is the right thing to do. Much as for the same reasons as I know that genital surgery is right: with a little prep, I can pass just fine without either under most cirucmstances, even to the point where I forget the issue myself, but the status quo of my body isn't right. And I can change it. Fix it. Set it back on course. And then, hopefully, forget about it.
Would I still be doing this if I'd come to it by a different path? Without all the above anxieties? Yes. I think so. But I do wonder if it would be a different feeling. Or if I'd do it in a different way.
I have the intuition that there will be something different after this. And I'm not sure what. I'm not sure if that's a comforting thought or not. I'm curious what it would be like when my body more closely matches what my... (head? soul? intuition? body? self?) what my [noun] tells me it should. And then there are the social ramifications. I've certainly noticed that my female-atypical gender presentation seems tied to external influences: trans-related stressors. But exactly what the relationship is, I'm not sure. Maybe this will shed some light on that too.
Boston on Sunday (three days). Consultation/anesthesia check-in on Monday (four). Surgery on Wednesday (six). Swollen up for a while thereafter.
Wish me luck.
But until then, I need to do something with all this tension. So I write.
In July of 2006, I had not yet sorted out my issues, but was thinking of taking female hormones (as in hormones: "yes;" transition: "huh? wuzzat?"). Skimming through whatever I could find on the topic took me throguh transgender webpages and eventually I wound up here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Facial_feminization_surgery, or maybe it was another page that's no longer online.
And my eyebrows go up.
So it's possible to change the shape of your face?
I filed this in the back of my head.
I'd thought about transition before, but had assumed that I wasn't really a transsexual.
A good portion of this stemmed from the fear of marginalization. Would my family reject me? Would I be able to get by day-to-day?
If I was readable as trans, the latter would be a real issue. And I assumed that I would be readable. My appearace at the time was not condusive to being seen as girly. Other people saw it though.
"Face" is one of the two things that I thought couldn't be changed, and so would always give me away. The other being voice - which, I knew you can change with practice, but had never mastered it.
(Only now do I realize that only two people have my full-on definitely-a-girl voice - I find that it doesn't sound like me, so I go with the speaking voice you probably here day to day).
As for family? My grandma just died. She was the last of the eldest generation.
So it was about two weeks after that that I put everything together. It was like solving a riddle.
From then on, Facial Feminization Surgery looked like a necessary step to me - this was compounded by the horror/suicide stories I heard at the transsexual support group. And I assumed that I'd always stick out as MtF - thus being subject to the same social ostracism.
Actually the point was subtler than that. The reason that I never felt pleased about using female article of clothing was twofold: first, most are more feminine than represents me; second, and more important, most are cut for female bodies, and so highlight the fact that I'm not what I know myself to be. In other words, dressing like a girl gave the message that I am both girly and male when I am happiest as neither.
And walking around with a male face while presenting as female can say much the same thing. I'd like to get it out of my head, and everyone else's but I'm not sure how.
So what I was really worried about was not looking female to myself.
Now, it turns out that I don't really need FFS to pass to myself, let alone to others. Just before I got my latest haircut, I'd get up in the morning, glance at the mirror and think holy shit, I really look like a girl.
Still, I know that it's is the right thing to do. Much as for the same reasons as I know that genital surgery is right: with a little prep, I can pass just fine without either under most cirucmstances, even to the point where I forget the issue myself, but the status quo of my body isn't right. And I can change it. Fix it. Set it back on course. And then, hopefully, forget about it.
Would I still be doing this if I'd come to it by a different path? Without all the above anxieties? Yes. I think so. But I do wonder if it would be a different feeling. Or if I'd do it in a different way.
I have the intuition that there will be something different after this. And I'm not sure what. I'm not sure if that's a comforting thought or not. I'm curious what it would be like when my body more closely matches what my... (head? soul? intuition? body? self?) what my [noun] tells me it should. And then there are the social ramifications. I've certainly noticed that my female-atypical gender presentation seems tied to external influences: trans-related stressors. But exactly what the relationship is, I'm not sure. Maybe this will shed some light on that too.
Boston on Sunday (three days). Consultation/anesthesia check-in on Monday (four). Surgery on Wednesday (six). Swollen up for a while thereafter.
Wish me luck.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-04-24 06:02 pm (UTC)And as usual enjoyed the commentary. I ID with a lot of what you wrote.
hormones: "yes;" transition: "huh? wuzzat?
Yep. I remember that.
no subject
Date: 2008-04-27 07:01 am (UTC)Avatar: awesome.
no subject
Date: 2008-05-02 03:14 am (UTC)I definitely had something of a fetishist's mindset back then.
It took a long time (mid-2007) before I finally admitted that I was transitioning.
no subject
Date: 2008-05-02 04:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-05-02 03:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-24 07:28 pm (UTC)Second, my girl is looking to get FFS sometime in the next couple of years. She has a low brow and large nose, and would probably need to change it to pass. Would you be comfortable sharing some of the details of your surgery? As in, what parts are you having done, how much it costs, what doctor you are using, etc?
I will be sending you good vibes!
-h
no subject
Date: 2008-04-24 10:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-27 07:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-24 10:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-24 11:15 pm (UTC)Safe trip.
no subject
Date: 2008-04-27 07:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-24 11:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-27 07:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-04-27 05:39 am (UTC)Stay safe, and good luck.