More surprises

[the_fantastic_ms_fox]

One week to go until the renaming ritual. This is a fairly significant occasion and doens represent if not a break, then a discontinuity in my identity. So I have something for those of you who want to feel that you've engaged with it in some capacity - or if you know someone who would but who doesn't read my LJ.

1. Come to the housewarming/renaming/meet-my-cousin party in about a month

2. Send me a note containing, one thing that you hope that I can:
    (a)    shed from my old identity, way of living and/or interaction with you
    (b)    keep from my old identity and way of living and/or interaction with you
    (c)    avoid in my new identity and way of living and/or interaction with you
    (d)    find my new identity and way of living and/or interaction with you

You can do one, two, there, all four. You can pick more than one item from one category and/or skip another. You can be glib, frank, solemn or brusque. You can send it by email, by post, hand it to me, drop it off, use one of the King's messengers, or carve it in a bathroom stall. Or you can not send a note at all, but just acknowledge it whatever way you see fit and for which you have time. Do whatever suits you.

More unexpecteds, surprises and shocks to follow up on an earlier post

2, My ability to look like a cisgendered man is getting increasingly limited.

    When I try to look male, there is something odd about my appearance. As noted in the prior entry, I often come across as cismale or FtM, even when I don't want to, but my face and build have changed, and I imagine that the breasts aren't going to help. When I tried wearing a suit and fedora, I looked like a drag king.

3, I'm not short anymore.

    I've mentioned this before, but it still really weirds me out.

    I had integrated being "short" into my identity - looking around to see the chins or necks of other people of my sex (save for some parts of Vancouver which are home to men from also-short ethnic groups)

    Being a short guy has a variety of pros and cons. You're less of a threat, but you're also less of a dating option or a “natural leader.” A lot of things with guys work like that (::cough-cough::). Short men, on average, make less money (about $360 CDN per centimeter per year - so four inches is $3600 per year) and will not be promoted as high, but will live longer than other men (this is one of the reasons that seniors are short - the really tall ones tend to die sooner). You fit in a gymnast's class, but are out of place on a basketball court. At a construction site, you will have to bust your ass while other guys are taking a smoke break if you want to be taken seriously. But you look better on conventional film. Acting macho will get you dismissed as “a little guy with an attitude problem;” an impersonator. Not acting macho will make you not-so-male. In other words, in others' eyes, “short” means “less male,” and this has its pros and cons.

    I'm certain, that in terms of work and income, this applies to other genders too, but there aren't enough women in corporate leadership positions to get a good sample.

    So when I first started going out in public as female identified, there was was this uneasy feeling surrounding my body, like I was floating or something. When I saw myself as what-I-would-look-like had I been born female, I thought I'd be of equivalent female shortness - about five feet even, plus or minus half an inch. But, as a post-puberty transsexual, I keep my skeleton as is, so my height and build doesn't change, and as a lass, when I look out at the other people of my sex, I see heads at about my level, instead of several inches above it.

    It's a bit of a shock, but I'm okay with it. In fact, it's kind of nice, and it fits with my overall self-feeling. It's a considerable improvement when shopping for clothes.

    You may recall, that last summer and fall, I found some male shirts that actually fit? Those were anomalies. Mark's was liquidated them and discontinuing the line. Now even those hang off of me.

    But it doesn't matter because I fit a baggy small or a tight large just fine. And I don't have to have all my pants shortened.

4. I can't have children.

    Or I should say that I can't bear children. I've frozen sperm, and I can adopt. But conceive? No. It seems strange that this came as a shock, but I've found myself holding my belly, stunned that my ovaries don't work. And then I remember that have any ovaries, or the rest of a female reproductive system. I guess it'll save on pads until I can buy them on Ebay.

And the other thing that surprises me about changing my sex is...

5. I'm changing my sex!?

    No really, what the fuck? I'm doing what? How? Who? Are you sure? Is that even possible? Isn't that dangerous? I'm a transsexual? I know that's dangerous. Me? Have I gone off the deep end? Why would I need to change my sex? Hold on, what's that in my pants? I have a male body? I have a female identity? I'm a guy? I'm not a guy? I'm a girl? I'm a woman? Well not really - more of an androgynous female. Of course I am. No you're not! Who's that in the mirror? Which person? - the boygirl who looks like s/he's trying to look like me. Who is that?

    Amidst the shock, there's this spark of wonder. I can't believe it's possible, but here I am, doing it.

Comments

[givemesodapop.livejournal.com]

Congratulations? I think i'll stick with B. Easier on me to continue to just think of you as "Jhayne's former roomate who used to be called Sasha"

[plaidalicious.livejournal.com]

You will have to tell me when the party is so I can book it off work.

Also: I hope you can shed your sometime-nervousness in your new identity and keep the open and frank discussion and friendship we've been slowly building over the years.

I don't know if I've ever told you how proud/happy I am to know you, in your bravery moving towards this person you've always wanted to be externally as well as internally.

You are an awesome human being.

I occasionally need to reconcile my internal and external personas myself, rarely so drastically however, and I have always found the necessary honesty with my nearest and dearest difficult (generally the anxiety beforehand is what gets me, once my feelings are out, I'm fine).

[(Anonymous)]

Much appreciated.

The party will be in the last week of August, or first week of September. I don't know what day. It will be fairly sedate, and not involve drinking to excess, and so need not be on a weekend night.