(no subject)

[the_fantastic_ms_fox]

Dear assorted occupants of McKenzie-McNair clan households


Please forgive the garbled nature of this note. The reasons for this will become clear shortly.
[Editor's note - this has been decrypted from the ciphered version that Santa dropped off]

I understand that you want to know how I deliver gifts to so many households at the same time, and how many Elves and Reindeer there are, as well as more about the Elves, or “Gnomies” as they've been referring to themselves. All excellent questions.


To visit so very many houses in one night, I use a Systemic Lupo-Electron Interference Gyro-[CLASSIFIED] or “S.L.E.I.G.H.” (pronounced “Slieg-huh.”) to place myself into an “indeterminite quantum state.” At least this is what the elves tell me: I can't say that I know what it means. I do know that by using it, I can split myself, my reindeer and elf helpers up into every possible combination of Santa, Reindeer and Elves. Then each possible Santa team services only a few of houses or apartments. The catch is that this only works so long as no one sees or hears me. I think this works on a similar principle to baking cookies, in that you shouldn't eat the cookies at the same time as you are baking them.


Should someone spy on me when I am opening my sack there could be quite the problem. I could appear in one place and one place only, perhaps in front of them, perhaps on some other route, with or without my helpers. The worst-case scenario comes when a family pet, or an especially clever child decides to look up the chimney at the same time as the S.L.E.I.G.H. field extends itself down the flume. In this case, I have wound up appearing halfway up someone's chimney, being very much stuck, while my sack, the Reindeer and my Elf helpers remain within the S.L.E.I.G.H.


I can't tell you exactly how many reindeer or elves there are, as to take an accurate count would cause the S.L.E.I.G.H. field to collapse, leaving me who knows where.


For this reason, it's also important that I don't accidentally spy upon myself! I find that, by keeping my eyes and mind on milk and cookies, I can avoid seeing myself in a mirror, or through a window across the street, or for that matter, seeing my toes over my belly.


All writing entering or leaving the S.L.E.I.G.H. field gets scrambled, so I have to decode all of your letters before I read them, and I suppose that you will have to decode my writing as well. The other problem is that the S.L.E.I.G.H. divides me and my helpers up into all possible Santas, Reindeers and Elves, and each possible me answers questions differently - some may have an elf help him/me, while others may simply give answers that change from year to year. My apologies for any confusion.


I hear that, in their off-duty months, the elves use the S.L.E.I.G.H. to get up to all kinds of mischief. I am told that they steal birthday cakes, and usually on the weekend after Good Friday, all the chocolate eggs vanish from my workshop, never to be seen again. I have no idea why.


For these reasons, I am interested in any kind of alternative gift-delivery solution, especially this “temporal repetition device” as featured on page two of the McNair letter. I imagine that not only would it be a lot safer than the current method, but it gives me something to do with millions of extra etheric vibration harnesses that have been sitting around the workshop since 1975 - we thought they'd be on every wish-list, but all the children wanted Pet Rocks instead. Those little rascals were always peeking out of their boxes and collapsing the S.L.E.I.G.H. field, leaving us stranded in a variety of strange places including in mid-air.


The only problem is, where am I going to get three tonnes of sand at the North Pole? Any input you have on this would be much appreciated.


Yours Rotundly,

Santa Claus

Comments

:D

[algae-al-fresco.livejournal.com]

That is fabulous. completely, wonderfully, ridiculously fabulous.

Re: :D

[hundun.livejournal.com]

We wite one every year. My uncle used to write them for me, and now I write them for his children (age eleven and nine), as well as my second cousin (age five).