Let's try that again

[the_fantastic_ms_fox]

"Genderhush" is the name of the filter. This was filtered because I was scared. Now it's filtered because I don't want to weird people out. If you think someone else might want to see this, then either run it past me or show it to them with the caution that they don't go waving it around.

[edit - the filter no longer applies]

Actually, I am still a little scared. The most relevant fear: I'm chewing through some serious gender puzzles over here and while they seem perfectly reasonable ponderables to me (much like my ieas surronding growing children in tanks), I'm afraid that if I tell people about them, they're going to think I'm sick in the head, or I'll never hear the end of it.

So if you think this might cause a problem, skip this and all the other "genderhush" posts, and just ask me instead. Like I said, they're ponderables: if I was about to rush out and change my name and wardrobe and book a Thai surgeon, I'd be buying a plane ticket, not posting this. I'm thinking out loud is all. I've found that there's not a lot of material out there for people who don't have a clue what to think about their own gender, so I'm writing some.

Your thoughts are always welcome.

 

Body-image
Both life in the early twentieth century and OCD often come with free promotional tie-ins. One such freebie is body-image issues: most anorexics are also obsessive-compulsives (and very few are time-travellers, so I think they're from this, or the last, century). I do worry about how I look, how much I weigh, my acne, etcetera. Who doesn't? More importantly, I do things that show up on those little pamphlets about eating disorders, though I've been doing less of that of late.
So maybe I feel uncomfortable with my body and feel the desire to escape? But wait, now I usually feel confident in my appearance. I look in the mirror after a shower and think, diet, exercise and genetics: there are a pile of gay men who'd like to get a piece of this. It seems almost as if thinking of myself as being non-male has washed away many of my doubts and nitpicking. And when I question this identity, the doubts seem to resurface.

A useful idea is likely to be a true one.

My body feels... like it's part of me, but it doesn't look like me. And I don't know if it moves like me or not.
Besides, who ever heard of someone being so anorexic that they were transsexual? (hah! the dreaded word - I've said it!) Who ever heard of someone's mild past dysmorphia and present confidence leading them into questioning their biological sex?

But I also think things like my testicles seem to exist only to get in the way and flood me with hormones I don't want. Or I'd really like to (or feel that I should) have a pair of tits. And so on....

Still, when I think things like if I passed as female, I wouldn't be short anymore, I question my motives: is this a sign that my motives are rooted elsewhere, or am I just being optimistic in a bizarre and threatening situation, or both?

It's a lot like reading about a 60% lethal pandemic and thinking, Ah... cheap housing at last. Does this mean I'd be rooting for a global plague or just considering the options? Well actually yes, I would root for the plague, but that doesn't rule out optimism.

Comments

[froggymcgee.livejournal.com]

I understand a lot of what you've been saying about gender. Adding in the eating problems as well (I used to do a lot of the things in those pamphlets too, but I've been getting better)...it makes for something very familiar that I can't offer much help with - they're still issues I'm going through.

One of the main reasons I want to lose weight so desperately is that my body fat defines my shape, and who I am. My body fat is what makes it obvious to the world I'm physically a girl. I also get that feeling about the hormones - I don't want the emotional makeup, I don't want the cycles, any of it. It all feels like a monumental waste of time to me.

[eva00.livejournal.com]

One step removed, of course...once again, observations of my father:

While she still identified as male, she was obese (300+ lbs). When she began to transition, she became highly over-critical of her eating habits, losing weight to the point of emaciation.

The only way it seemed to make any sense to me was as a way to make an immediate and noticeable change at a time when what she had always been was no longer what she wanted to see.

I am glad that it sounds like you feel more comfortable in your skin when you recognise yourself.