Third date

[the_fantastic_ms_fox]

You were tired.


You tell me about your party, and that you asked about trans-inclusion. I appreciate this. You say the "organization is trans-inclusive, but for the girls's event you have to have the surgery." That you have to "be physically female."

I was looking forward to going with you. And I think that you will be going without me.

How do I tell you that every time I hear something like this this, it feels like getting kicked in the stomach. Or at least the afteraffects. No exaggeration: it actually physically feels like this: the dull ache after a sharp internal shock.  In my head I am running through how do I fix this? I helped change the policies over there - maybe I can do it here too? How do I tell you that I want to, but I cannot let it just "drop?" How do I tell you this on our third date?

But you see that something is on my mind and you ask. Thank you.

I tell you this as politely as I can. That reducing identities to genitals is not the way to do it. That excluding trans people as soon as it becomes inconvenient is not "trans inclusive." It bothers me. I am too brief, and I do not cry.

You say you are familiar with what one side says and the other side says...

And...?

And?

And I take it that you will be going tonight.

I don't mind that you're going. I do mind that you don't understand, that I fear that you don't see a problem with this. That you are remaning "neutral."

I feel invalidated. Do you see me as female? You drop a female pronoun once. But our interaction is now awkward. It becomes normal again as we walk, and talk about other things. If this comes up, what will they say to you tonight? What bullshit argument that hides their arrogance and bottom-line-centrism fears will they feed you? Will you accept it? Tell me you won't accept it. Andthat you accept me.

Or maybe you do see a problem with this but don't know what to do. Maybe you're hoping that I can come later, after the surgery. How do I tell you the reason I am not going is not because they won't let me? I could go if I want. I know how to skirt these things you see. Us trannies are fucking resourceful. I am not going now, nor after surgery. Not until they change. I see how it hurts people. It is wrong.

I don't know what else to do here.


I'm sorry that I was passive-aggressive when you said you had many men after you. It is baggage from an old relationship, where I felt like just another guy, and where this really was a problem. It was after you were talking about modelling, and thinking about the lighter end of sex-work. Being pretty. A normal body. When I was talking about sex work it was as a last resort that I didn't have to use. It must be nice from your end. I envy you. I wish you could see that, and understand.

I tried to take it back, but I think it was too late.


I am sorry that I was so awkward when you brought me home, and he was there. Not that awkward actually. I feel more comfortable around him right now.  I'm not angry at him, just you.

I was playing with the rats, talking to them, while you busied yourself. It reminded me of middle school where after feeling alienated by every kid, I'd go home to my dog and stuffed animals. They were the only people I could talk with, but the conversations weren't very stimulating.

Our conversation was not very stimulating. You were checking your messages. I knew you'd be busy when we came back.

I want to reach out and tell you.

This reminds me too much of other things. Baggage. I wonder if this is serious. What this means. What you want. And what do I want anyway?

I do not say anything. I have a feeling that now would be a bad time. You are tired. I am hurt.

You suggest that I should phone you. I have set up the last three dates. Do you know how to set up a date, or do you wait for the man to ask?

I do not want to say it. I do not want to think it. But it sounds like what they say about bi girls, that you, or should I say "we," are Dyke-lite, transgression of sexual norms now available in a non-disturbing package. I do not want to say or think it because it is fucked-up, and because you and I have both been hurt by it.

Or maybe, maybe I shouldn't say "we?" All the people on my end scrupulously avoid labeling themselves as "bisexual." Some do it with words: bi-dyke, queer, homoflexible. I do it with "butch," which we're told is the dykier than dyke; so gay that you're only into feminine girls.

Thankfully, this not actually about "bi girls." Pretty much everyone I've gone on more than one date with has been some shade of bi (and some shade of "girl"), and this has never come up before.

What this is about is this circumstance, produced by the dominant form of alternaculture and the dominante form of poly; hetero-first; lesbian-second, gay-preferably-not (and trans? trans?). It brings the the fear of sexual dillettantism, not just with me in this relationship, but with Queer overall. I fear that this, by its nature, is light, that I will always be light to you, and that it will stay that way.

I know it does not have to be like this for everyone - the last relationship I had had the same basic outline: she has a steady, primary, boyfriend and she had me as a secondary. It was what we wanted, and from there we loved each-other. Intimately. And we still do.

But this does not look like it is headed there. I think it is not. Or at least I fear it can't be.

I fear this because I do not know what it is. Are we in or out? And if I ask you, will it be too fast, and will you leave? I hope not. I like you.

It is our third date and awkward, and you are tired. Another time. How will I not obsessively chew this over for the next week?



I drop over at my buddy's house and unload this.  Very glad. He and I are becoming strong friends.



I hope that on our next and fourth date, I can talk to you about these things without you bolting. That I can do so respectufull and compassionately. That it will erase these doubts. I hope we can then go on to enjoy the evening. But I will talk to you about them either way.