(no subject)

The problem is called "depersonalization"

It's a way of living your life so that you don't feel it.


This is why everything feels so... unreal. Even my greatest successes.

 

I've been doing some painting. Art - to put ideas onto paper.

Remembering how it felt as a teenager - it hurt then, and when I think about it, it still hurts.

But maybe that's an improvement? It's better than ignoring it. It is, as Este would compare, "Like removing a splinter - it hurts on the way out."


Maybe it's better not to drag up the past - to forget and move on?

Perhaps at some point. Perhaps probably. Yes.

At some point.

But I think it would be amiss not to first understand what happened.

The object here is not to feel pained. It is to well and properly remember.

(no subject)

Therapy time

 

 Example:

Every goddamn brilliant, awkward and also brilliant girl on TV. That pang. The gender is why. Because I am and was a nerdy girl. And I'm smart. And... gay.

That feeling. Was it envy? Attraction?

Well, did you feel jealous of her romances, or lifted by them? Or jealous of her having those romances? Where is your empathy relative to her? Do you want to be her? Or be with her?

Now, if media were less crappy, in a show if there were two brilliant girls, I'd empathize with the scruffy, awkward, and/or devious one.

 

 

Do you see, in understanding this, how at home you feel? That is personalization. That is honesty.

Alien dreams

The landlord had taken up the pleasant grass and weeds in the hallway and replaced them with grey-boarded red linoleum. The industrial stuff. He aims to turn this bohemian artist's colony into a profit-making enterprise.

 Dreamed of an alien "invasion."

More of a giant saucer over a city.

An opportunity to join it on its next voyage. A tall alien, like a bland man, is our guide/pilot/leader.

He offers me changes to my body. I delay. Next time I'll get what I want. I pospone. He makes whatever alterations he thinks are right.

We are in Nelson. Again. In the near future. Time dilation? Wormhole effects? Are we even in the same plane?

We've been "away" two years. The city is largely abandoned. But we need groceries. The new co-op should provide.

I see myself. I am awkwardly assembled. Clunky. And this body is pre-op. Again.

Well, I've been through it once...

 

 

(I keep dreaming I have sensate genitals - ones without nerve damage - but of the wrong kind)

(no subject)

Actually, you're not used to getting what you want.

You're used to getting what you pursue

Or rather - of being able to get what you pursue.

And you believe that it's wrong to pursue what you want.

So you don't pursue things very hard.


This, as you ay be aware by now, is a foolish way to live your life.

Let's fix that.

(no subject)

 So. What do you actually want?

. . .

uh...

Okay. What makes you happy?

Cutting loose and fixing that thing that's been bothering me. Even just moving furniture. Definitely not sitting at home. Not just talking with friends - let's go out and do something.

And what hurt so much when you were younger?

Not doing that. And seeing others doing and getting exactly that.

Because I could not exist as myself.
 

Right