I am still in Vancouver...

...in more than one sense


A series of bus SNAFUs saw me in Ladner with no way to reach the Ferry on time. Then I wound up wandering around back parts of Richmond. I am fortunate to have been able to make it back.

This gave me a lot of time to think.

I am not going to Victoria this weekend. The plan to go to the conference and see my family was ill-considered.

As for my family - thank you to the pepoel who have expressed support. I will need it, but not this week. I'm still going to see my extended family, and have the talk with them. But that will be next week, not this one - when I'll actualy have time to talk to them.

There is no point in going to this particular CFS executive meeting. It would be a waste of my time, and everyone' s resources. Anything that I could say to the CFS they already know.

It would be
SFU: "I really don't think we should be doing that, why don't we do this other thing instead?"
CFS: "An intriguing point, and worth consideration. But you're questioning us, so we're going to shoot it down.."

It would change nothing, and it would only feel "good" in contrast to rest of the meeting's pointlessness. It would be wanking - morally sanctioned and politically responsible wanking, but still wanking. There will be someone else there to ask for the audits, and they will likely be just as denied as I'd be.

But why did I try to do all this at once? Why the self-annihilation through stress? A lot of it seems to revolve around the intersection of self-sabotage and anxiety over losing face due to failed "obligations."

More thought is needed.

I also need to establish exactly what puts me in a cocky mindset.

Now: to bed.