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the_fantastic_ms_foxComing back from the Fed conference (which not only keep getting easier, but strangely always give me some sort of sociological insight and gendery resolution) and the surgical consultation, I feel that, when it comes to transition, I've hit the halfway mark.
Now, if I were to describe my body as a chart, most would now have reached a dim blue, like the "good" colour in headache commercials. It is in-line; well. I am pleased. Most of it. Most of my face and all of my genitals remain an uncomfortably bright white space. Some parts of the white fade into a light blue: they're near where they should be; others glow an angry red.
They are blank. Not present.
They are bright, glaring. Too present.
I am looking at mending these discontinuities. In my last entry, when I said I spoke to a surgeon, I was not talking about genital surgery, but facial surgery. This is something that I've been thinking about for a awhile but on which I have kept uncharacteristically quiet.
Now, if I were to describe my body as a chart, most would now have reached a dim blue, like the "good" colour in headache commercials. It is in-line; well. I am pleased. Most of it. Most of my face and all of my genitals remain an uncomfortably bright white space. Some parts of the white fade into a light blue: they're near where they should be; others glow an angry red.
They are blank. Not present.
They are bright, glaring. Too present.
I am looking at mending these discontinuities. In my last entry, when I said I spoke to a surgeon, I was not talking about genital surgery, but facial surgery. This is something that I've been thinking about for a awhile but on which I have kept uncharacteristically quiet.
Context:
One of the reasons that I delayed dealing with my gender issues for so long was, seeing what happened to other trans folk, and feeling my own internalized fear/loathing, I thought that my changing sex and fitting in (in more than just the social/passing sense) was, given how a lot of the men in my family looked, basically a hopeless wish. When I was bringing up my gender issues again, and I saw that you could change the shape of your face, this combined with all the other factors at the time to push me over the lip and into resolution.
Thus, I assumed that I'd be doing this at some point. It turns out that I do mostly fit into where I see myself as female, and when it comes to passing, I generally do. But does this mean that the desire for changing face is gone? No. Because on further examination, it's not about what I thought it was.
Hmm.... that's not entirely clear. So I guess that I need to talk about this, but after several abortive attempts, I'm becoming frustrated. While it suffers from the same curse as elsewhere (that I have to educate before I can hope to discuss many things transgendery) what I find is that changing my facial shape calls up social spectres, to where I feel as if I have to defend myself and my choices. This makes me not want to talk at all, and that's... bad. Hence the livejournal post; the kicking down the conversational door.
I understand that they're motivated by concern, but here they are: objections and defenses:
But you're already pretty
Thank you, but I'm not trying to be pretty.
But you pass
This is not exactly about passing.
But since it's come up - when I do pass it is in large part because I make numerous concessions in my presentation. Or I pass because you are seeing me in mellow light, not under the sun where I am "sir," or a camera flash, or some washroom or elevator lights, or on ID photos.
I would not complain about being able to pass more easily, or with more room to move.
And I suppose we do see ourselves reflected in other's reactions, and so I guess that passing is a motivation in this, but not the primary one.
To combine the above two. I'm happy to look pretty or look like shit, as long as I don't look male. Because I'm not male.
But you should accept your body
Already tried that. Didn't work. If I thought that accepting my body in the face of somatic dissonance was the way to go, I would not be changing my sex.
Further, after considering the whole "pride" thing, I've concluded that while I think that us transgendered people (Did I just say "us?" Huh.) have a hell of a spine, I also know that I don't like being transsexual, but it's the only way to get where I'm going - and the alternative is a lot worse.
Screw acceptance. Until I incarnate as a desireless Boddhisatva, I want change.
But I know a woman who has such-and-such a "masculine"/"male" feature
Good for her. Does she also have a male genitals and the remains of a beard? If so is she pleased with this? If she is, she's a bold soul, but she isn't me.
Besides, I'm not trying to get rid of every masculine/male/androgynous/non-female feature, and I wouldn't if I could. When I'm done, there will still be a lot of masculine/male features. But the ones that can change and need to go will.
To combine the above two: I do accept my body - mostly. I could live with my as-is anatomy if I had to, but I don't. I could live with whatever's wrong with my knee if I had to, but I find that insoles and the right exercise mostly fix that, and so I modify my knee to a place of not-hurting.
But someone else had something similar done and it looked bad, or it could have done damage.
This is why I've spent at least a hundred hours doing research, making extensive charts on common elements in good and bad results (in terms of physical health, complications, appearance and emotional tranquility) and, weighing these, have scaled my goals and methods to fit. I could probably write a short book now. (hint: do not have squishy goo grafted onto your body)
I am thorough when I need to be.
A lot of the "worst" isn't hard to avoid - a lot of women made decisions that I would not. Maybe the Hollywood route works for them, but I don't want it. Fortunately, investigation has turned up some pleasing alternatives.
Scars? Invasiveness?
I don't care about scars. No. I like scars. I've seen some facial surgery scars that I envy (it looked like the arms of anemone extending back from both mandibles - something must have fucked up to get that result, but the scars looked awesome). The fact that it hurts and leaves a mark lets me know that something has changed.
Is this going to set off a string of surgical chases.?
I am not getting a boob job. I am not getting a nose job. I am not getting a naval sculpt or a hymen-whatever. These are not things that I want. They are not me. I have thought about this.
I may still get a prehensile tail. Not ruling that out.
What if it doesn't do everything you want?
I can tell you right now that it won't do everything I want. There are a lot of gender things in my body and my life that surgery cannot change (at least not safely or well), and will likely never be able to change. But what is possible is to move in the right direction. It is better than not. And even if the final results isn't up to my limited expectations, it will do. The fact that I have done something to change something where I once thought I could do nothing will do nicely. It will prove and tell, if only to me.
Instead, the concern that I would suggest expressing for any kind of body modification for anyone is in a question:
So why are you looking at this option?
And my answer-that-is-not-a-defense:
I can see my face in the mirror, and I can feel it with my hands, but it is buried, obstructed. Something is in the way. Surrounding it. Overlaying it. There is a triangle that is my face but it's buried in a lot of what I assume is layered plasticine, but, is in fact, my bones and such. The obstacle happens to at least partially coincide with what can be changed. Fortunate that. It points the way.
It's a similar cognitive dissonance to my genitals (why am I wearing a packer? Oh, right. MtF). See?
The reason that I am going to change my face is kind of like why cisgendered lasses opt out of shooting testosterone. For them or me, the virilization feels wrong. The difference for me is that it's too late to not take T: I missed the opt out, my body made scads on its own, and it's done it's work. All that I can do is decide when and where I want to get back to where I would have been, then see how feasable and safe that is, and act upon it
Oh. I'm also doing this because it's really crazy and cool and science-fictiony. Dude, you can change your face! It's better than youtube! (ah, technofetishist novelty: now there's a good reason!)
There we are. If you have any insights on this, I'd like to hear them.
But, given the above, what does this disjunct between this, and the concerns I hear, lie?
I'm annoyed that my desire for genital surgery slips by without comment, but my desire to do something less invasive (and, to me, possibly more important) with my face often arouses the aforementioned reactions before anyone has asked me why.
This points to the big body-modification binary.
(a) There's the normalizing modification, consisting of beauty salons, cosmetic surgery and single hole ear-piercings for women.
(b) There's the diverting modification, consisting of (some) tattoos, most other kinds of piercings.
The two meet and blur to the point where tattoos fade in and out of the normal range, and some other piercings are now socially normal(-ish).
People tend to take sides. One or the other. Piercings are either bold demonstrations-of-self or they're just freaky-sick. Plastic surgery is either sensible or a social sickness.
In this shifting struggle, the blurry boundary is an awesome place to be. Multiple-ear piercings for women, single-piercings for men, breast reductions for ciswomen (so long as they wind up "small-er" but not "small"), and, to a hopefully growing extent, transgender-related genital modification and mastectomies and beard removal (I'm not sure about MtF boob jobs) fall into both camps and are likely to slip by as simple choices whether you're hanging out at the body piercing studio or the hollywood gala. Somehow, beard removal through facial electrolysis is always okay too.
However facial surgery tends to come off as Hollywood; the desire to mold yourself into super-normal. This limits conversational options.
Or maybe I'm not getting something. Thoughts?
Solutions
When I was struggling with how and whether and why to do this, I asked myself, what would I do if this was some kind of future nanite body modification instead of cosmetic surgery: the same risks, limitations, and costs, but without the above social context, instead taking place in a world where the idea of "normal appearance" didn't exist - where no-one else cared how I looked. Would I do it then?
The answer from within was immediate: "absolutely."
(this is a good guide to all kinds of body modification: what would you do if no-one else cared one way or the other?)
From this I can infer that my hesitation was not the surgery, but the labels we attach to cosmetic/reconstructive/normalizing/de-normalizing/creating/restoring/freak-making/altering/guessing/right-setting/trangender surgery; the idea of conformity, shrink-wrapped past actresses; vanity; salesmen; scars; changes; dysmoprhia; strangeness and so on.
So what I have to do is ignore the labels "cosmetic surgery," or "non-normative body modifcation" and think of this in terms of a material change in me, with certain consequences.
I am not trying to be pretty, or feminine, or conformist. Nor am I trying to make a statement, or label myself as anything. Rather, I am trying to be me. In this case, it's through my body.
I will do this for myself, but I would really like to talk about it, instead of around it.
One of the reasons that I delayed dealing with my gender issues for so long was, seeing what happened to other trans folk, and feeling my own internalized fear/loathing, I thought that my changing sex and fitting in (in more than just the social/passing sense) was, given how a lot of the men in my family looked, basically a hopeless wish. When I was bringing up my gender issues again, and I saw that you could change the shape of your face, this combined with all the other factors at the time to push me over the lip and into resolution.
Thus, I assumed that I'd be doing this at some point. It turns out that I do mostly fit into where I see myself as female, and when it comes to passing, I generally do. But does this mean that the desire for changing face is gone? No. Because on further examination, it's not about what I thought it was.
Hmm.... that's not entirely clear. So I guess that I need to talk about this, but after several abortive attempts, I'm becoming frustrated. While it suffers from the same curse as elsewhere (that I have to educate before I can hope to discuss many things transgendery) what I find is that changing my facial shape calls up social spectres, to where I feel as if I have to defend myself and my choices. This makes me not want to talk at all, and that's... bad. Hence the livejournal post; the kicking down the conversational door.
I understand that they're motivated by concern, but here they are: objections and defenses:
But you're already pretty
Thank you, but I'm not trying to be pretty.
But you pass
This is not exactly about passing.
But since it's come up - when I do pass it is in large part because I make numerous concessions in my presentation. Or I pass because you are seeing me in mellow light, not under the sun where I am "sir," or a camera flash, or some washroom or elevator lights, or on ID photos.
I would not complain about being able to pass more easily, or with more room to move.
And I suppose we do see ourselves reflected in other's reactions, and so I guess that passing is a motivation in this, but not the primary one.
To combine the above two. I'm happy to look pretty or look like shit, as long as I don't look male. Because I'm not male.
But you should accept your body
Already tried that. Didn't work. If I thought that accepting my body in the face of somatic dissonance was the way to go, I would not be changing my sex.
Further, after considering the whole "pride" thing, I've concluded that while I think that us transgendered people (Did I just say "us?" Huh.) have a hell of a spine, I also know that I don't like being transsexual, but it's the only way to get where I'm going - and the alternative is a lot worse.
Screw acceptance. Until I incarnate as a desireless Boddhisatva, I want change.
But I know a woman who has such-and-such a "masculine"/"male" feature
Good for her. Does she also have a male genitals and the remains of a beard? If so is she pleased with this? If she is, she's a bold soul, but she isn't me.
Besides, I'm not trying to get rid of every masculine/male/androgynous/non-female feature, and I wouldn't if I could. When I'm done, there will still be a lot of masculine/male features. But the ones that can change and need to go will.
To combine the above two: I do accept my body - mostly. I could live with my as-is anatomy if I had to, but I don't. I could live with whatever's wrong with my knee if I had to, but I find that insoles and the right exercise mostly fix that, and so I modify my knee to a place of not-hurting.
But someone else had something similar done and it looked bad, or it could have done damage.
This is why I've spent at least a hundred hours doing research, making extensive charts on common elements in good and bad results (in terms of physical health, complications, appearance and emotional tranquility) and, weighing these, have scaled my goals and methods to fit. I could probably write a short book now. (hint: do not have squishy goo grafted onto your body)
I am thorough when I need to be.
A lot of the "worst" isn't hard to avoid - a lot of women made decisions that I would not. Maybe the Hollywood route works for them, but I don't want it. Fortunately, investigation has turned up some pleasing alternatives.
Scars? Invasiveness?
I don't care about scars. No. I like scars. I've seen some facial surgery scars that I envy (it looked like the arms of anemone extending back from both mandibles - something must have fucked up to get that result, but the scars looked awesome). The fact that it hurts and leaves a mark lets me know that something has changed.
Is this going to set off a string of surgical chases.?
I am not getting a boob job. I am not getting a nose job. I am not getting a naval sculpt or a hymen-whatever. These are not things that I want. They are not me. I have thought about this.
I may still get a prehensile tail. Not ruling that out.
What if it doesn't do everything you want?
I can tell you right now that it won't do everything I want. There are a lot of gender things in my body and my life that surgery cannot change (at least not safely or well), and will likely never be able to change. But what is possible is to move in the right direction. It is better than not. And even if the final results isn't up to my limited expectations, it will do. The fact that I have done something to change something where I once thought I could do nothing will do nicely. It will prove and tell, if only to me.
Instead, the concern that I would suggest expressing for any kind of body modification for anyone is in a question:
So why are you looking at this option?
And my answer-that-is-not-a-defense:
I can see my face in the mirror, and I can feel it with my hands, but it is buried, obstructed. Something is in the way. Surrounding it. Overlaying it. There is a triangle that is my face but it's buried in a lot of what I assume is layered plasticine, but, is in fact, my bones and such. The obstacle happens to at least partially coincide with what can be changed. Fortunate that. It points the way.
It's a similar cognitive dissonance to my genitals (why am I wearing a packer? Oh, right. MtF). See?
The reason that I am going to change my face is kind of like why cisgendered lasses opt out of shooting testosterone. For them or me, the virilization feels wrong. The difference for me is that it's too late to not take T: I missed the opt out, my body made scads on its own, and it's done it's work. All that I can do is decide when and where I want to get back to where I would have been, then see how feasable and safe that is, and act upon it
Oh. I'm also doing this because it's really crazy and cool and science-fictiony. Dude, you can change your face! It's better than youtube! (ah, technofetishist novelty: now there's a good reason!)
There we are. If you have any insights on this, I'd like to hear them.
But, given the above, what does this disjunct between this, and the concerns I hear, lie?
I'm annoyed that my desire for genital surgery slips by without comment, but my desire to do something less invasive (and, to me, possibly more important) with my face often arouses the aforementioned reactions before anyone has asked me why.
This points to the big body-modification binary.
(a) There's the normalizing modification, consisting of beauty salons, cosmetic surgery and single hole ear-piercings for women.
(b) There's the diverting modification, consisting of (some) tattoos, most other kinds of piercings.
The two meet and blur to the point where tattoos fade in and out of the normal range, and some other piercings are now socially normal(-ish).
People tend to take sides. One or the other. Piercings are either bold demonstrations-of-self or they're just freaky-sick. Plastic surgery is either sensible or a social sickness.
In this shifting struggle, the blurry boundary is an awesome place to be. Multiple-ear piercings for women, single-piercings for men, breast reductions for ciswomen (so long as they wind up "small-er" but not "small"), and, to a hopefully growing extent, transgender-related genital modification and mastectomies and beard removal (I'm not sure about MtF boob jobs) fall into both camps and are likely to slip by as simple choices whether you're hanging out at the body piercing studio or the hollywood gala. Somehow, beard removal through facial electrolysis is always okay too.
However facial surgery tends to come off as Hollywood; the desire to mold yourself into super-normal. This limits conversational options.
Or maybe I'm not getting something. Thoughts?
Solutions
When I was struggling with how and whether and why to do this, I asked myself, what would I do if this was some kind of future nanite body modification instead of cosmetic surgery: the same risks, limitations, and costs, but without the above social context, instead taking place in a world where the idea of "normal appearance" didn't exist - where no-one else cared how I looked. Would I do it then?
The answer from within was immediate: "absolutely."
(this is a good guide to all kinds of body modification: what would you do if no-one else cared one way or the other?)
From this I can infer that my hesitation was not the surgery, but the labels we attach to cosmetic/reconstructive/normalizing/de-normalizing/creating/restoring/freak-making/altering/guessing/right-setting/trangender surgery; the idea of conformity, shrink-wrapped past actresses; vanity; salesmen; scars; changes; dysmoprhia; strangeness and so on.
So what I have to do is ignore the labels "cosmetic surgery," or "non-normative body modifcation" and think of this in terms of a material change in me, with certain consequences.
I am not trying to be pretty, or feminine, or conformist. Nor am I trying to make a statement, or label myself as anything. Rather, I am trying to be me. In this case, it's through my body.
I will do this for myself, but I would really like to talk about it, instead of around it.