the_fantastic_ms_fox (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
the_fantastic_ms_fox) wrote2006-09-22 08:50 pm
the_fantastic_ms_fox) wrote2006-09-22 08:50 pm
It will make me smile if you call me Amy. Does that sit with you alright? Do you have any questions?
I have realized two things about The Stages of Grief.
1. It applies to any major, less-than-welcome life change
2. It would make a good name for an alternative band, or maybe a festival of Shakespearian tragedy .
1. It applies to any major, less-than-welcome life change
2. It would make a good name for an alternative band, or maybe a festival of Shakespearian tragedy .
I'm spread out across the stages now, like emotional butter. I have done years and years of denial. I remember being shocked and afraid in August. Going to the transgender health program with the feeling of sweat pooling in my boots. And I've felt despair: maybe I'll never be in the right body. There has also been acceptance: I can see that I have the intuition and resolve to make good decisions and see them though, and I have some pretty good friends.
But right now, I'm mostly angry. I'm angry at myself for not doing or saying anything, and just sitting back and taking it and pretending that there wasn't a problem. I don't mean this just in terms of gender, but all over. Rolling over and burying my head in a pillow seems to be my default response to a lot of serious but non-obvious problems, because it's easier to ignore things than solve them. I'm angry that when I have the opportunity to confide in someone, I often haven't. I'm getting better, but I'm still scared - not just avoidant but actually, physically scared. And the more I do this, the more I will have to back-track later and correct things.
I'm a theist (i.e. "G-d/god exists and affects the world"), so since the bargaining (grief stage #3) has fallen through, God/synchronicity's getting a swack of blue air huffed in its direction. Maybe God makes a convenient kicking post in this case (or in a lot of others); maybe my beliefs need re-tooling.
I'm angry that I grew up in an environment where I was expected to be a little bachelor; to take physical and emotional care of myself without knowing how to even ask someone for help. I'm angry at the medical system that is too bloody busy to give me an hour with a counselor and that may expect me to sing and dance (more literally than one might expect) before It'll take me seriously. I'm angry at a society that has its head up its ass on all things related to gender.
So what do I do?
At school. I can tell people what I'm doing. I should at least tell the people in the gender studies department who (1) should be okay (as in "better fucking well be okay") with this, and (2) may be my colleagues in a year or two. There'll be a meeting in the next couple of weeks. I can say something then.
In my personal life.... I'm making my first decision on my birthday. I want to tell my mother what's going on first. October 4th. Otherwise? I don't know. I already feel ashamed and humilated, and I'm afraid of the (increasingly unlikely) scenario of coming out and then deciding that I'm actually happy in my conventional gender role. (This does not make sense.)
What do I say and ask for?
What I say is pretty straightforward: "I'm trans. How was your week?"
More anger bubbles up when I consider what to ask for. I don't like imposing, and gender stuff sounds like a giant imposition. But I've noticed some things. Thursday, several people addressed me with masculine terms of familarity ("There's the man we were talking about" "...feeling outnumbered in women's studies?" "Mr. Fox!" "...good luck man.") and, despite their good intentions, this stings. I don't feel like a man, but I also don't feel ultra-femme, and so lack t have the inclination (and time) to make myself up before I head out, just so I can look like a proper trans (read "drag queen"). So do I ask people to not only drop the masculine terms, but do so when dressed in unisex (and therefore, on me, male, and in our society non-trans) clothes?
I guess so.
I can probably say something along the lines of "It will make me smile if you call me "Amy." Does that sit with you alright? Do you have any questions?"
As for the anger overall? I'm taking Hapkido and I get these moments. Example: practicing "the tiger's mouth." This is when you hold your hand kind of like you're holding a can of beans, step forward while using one hand to sweep aside a punch, and hit the target in the throat, then jerk your hand to the side, crushing the cartilage in their neck (think: larynx, esophagus, carotid artery, trachea, jugular, all that fun stuff). It's a jumble at first, and I get this idea: do it like you're angry. I remember the time I got followed home with guys shouting "fag " until I got to the (mercifully waiting) bus, and it falls togther: the energy and intention is there and I'm aiming at, and hitting (the space safely two feet this side of) the throat of the guy in front of me. It's a killing shot.
This kind of behaviour (natural inclination?) freaks me out. I've had a pretty easy ride, and a good (and proudly non-violent) family. But when I think about the way our society works, and when this threatens me, my friends, or my environment, part of me is not just ready, but pro-actively eager, to do some pretty scary shit. I realize that, had I grown up in a less stable country, I'd probably have been in on some nasty things by now.
And so the world, and its politics, make more sense.
On the subject of Hapkido: the combatives room is, by default, only accessible by going through a change-room. Not a problem... yet.
But right now, I'm mostly angry. I'm angry at myself for not doing or saying anything, and just sitting back and taking it and pretending that there wasn't a problem. I don't mean this just in terms of gender, but all over. Rolling over and burying my head in a pillow seems to be my default response to a lot of serious but non-obvious problems, because it's easier to ignore things than solve them. I'm angry that when I have the opportunity to confide in someone, I often haven't. I'm getting better, but I'm still scared - not just avoidant but actually, physically scared. And the more I do this, the more I will have to back-track later and correct things.
I'm a theist (i.e. "G-d/god exists and affects the world"), so since the bargaining (grief stage #3) has fallen through, God/synchronicity's getting a swack of blue air huffed in its direction. Maybe God makes a convenient kicking post in this case (or in a lot of others); maybe my beliefs need re-tooling.
I'm angry that I grew up in an environment where I was expected to be a little bachelor; to take physical and emotional care of myself without knowing how to even ask someone for help. I'm angry at the medical system that is too bloody busy to give me an hour with a counselor and that may expect me to sing and dance (more literally than one might expect) before It'll take me seriously. I'm angry at a society that has its head up its ass on all things related to gender.
So what do I do?
At school. I can tell people what I'm doing. I should at least tell the people in the gender studies department who (1) should be okay (as in "better fucking well be okay") with this, and (2) may be my colleagues in a year or two. There'll be a meeting in the next couple of weeks. I can say something then.
In my personal life.... I'm making my first decision on my birthday. I want to tell my mother what's going on first. October 4th. Otherwise? I don't know. I already feel ashamed and humilated, and I'm afraid of the (increasingly unlikely) scenario of coming out and then deciding that I'm actually happy in my conventional gender role. (This does not make sense.)
What do I say and ask for?
What I say is pretty straightforward: "I'm trans. How was your week?"
More anger bubbles up when I consider what to ask for. I don't like imposing, and gender stuff sounds like a giant imposition. But I've noticed some things. Thursday, several people addressed me with masculine terms of familarity ("There's the man we were talking about" "...feeling outnumbered in women's studies?" "Mr. Fox!" "...good luck man.") and, despite their good intentions, this stings. I don't feel like a man, but I also don't feel ultra-femme, and so lack t have the inclination (and time) to make myself up before I head out, just so I can look like a proper trans (read "drag queen"). So do I ask people to not only drop the masculine terms, but do so when dressed in unisex (and therefore, on me, male, and in our society non-trans) clothes?
I guess so.
I can probably say something along the lines of "It will make me smile if you call me "Amy." Does that sit with you alright? Do you have any questions?"
As for the anger overall? I'm taking Hapkido and I get these moments. Example: practicing "the tiger's mouth." This is when you hold your hand kind of like you're holding a can of beans, step forward while using one hand to sweep aside a punch, and hit the target in the throat, then jerk your hand to the side, crushing the cartilage in their neck (think: larynx, esophagus, carotid artery, trachea, jugular, all that fun stuff). It's a jumble at first, and I get this idea: do it like you're angry. I remember the time I got followed home with guys shouting "fag " until I got to the (mercifully waiting) bus, and it falls togther: the energy and intention is there and I'm aiming at, and hitting (the space safely two feet this side of) the throat of the guy in front of me. It's a killing shot.
This kind of behaviour (natural inclination?) freaks me out. I've had a pretty easy ride, and a good (and proudly non-violent) family. But when I think about the way our society works, and when this threatens me, my friends, or my environment, part of me is not just ready, but pro-actively eager, to do some pretty scary shit. I realize that, had I grown up in a less stable country, I'd probably have been in on some nasty things by now.
And so the world, and its politics, make more sense.
On the subject of Hapkido: the combatives room is, by default, only accessible by going through a change-room. Not a problem... yet.
no subject
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I haven't settled on anything yet though.
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no subject
Y'know, 'unisex' girl clothes, to an extent, have got a bit different cut than mens. Like, a t-shirt is cut a bit closer in the arms, jeans are cut to fit a bit more snugly in the ass. I know a few boys who prefer womens pants for that cut difference, actually.
And (pfffftttt) to the idea that you should ever look like a drag queen, hun. Wear makeup if you want, but be comfortable in anything you choose to put on your face.