the_fantastic_ms_fox | (no subject)

I am well. I am sorting things out.

I want people (including myself) to understand.

What does it feel like to figure out you're transgendered?

Answer # 23

There are times when I forget what my body looks like, and I'm surprised when I open my mouth and hear this baritone voice. Looking in the mirror is also a shock - who is that? Other times, I look in the mirror when the lighting is right, and could swear that I just look like a butch girl, but then I shake my head, it goes away, and the shock is back. Weird huh?

That said, the feeling changes every week.

#24

Lately? Imagine an episode of Columbo. Peter Falk tracks down and catches the murderer, who has been trying to confound the rumpled detective for the last eighty-eight minutes. And now, they can both relax. He doesn't have to run anymore; he doesn't have to chase. Thank God, it's over.

But it's not over; not quite time to relax.

Neither metaphorical nor suicidal:
I've had a couple of times times when I didn't care if I lived or died. One was in Europe where I was sick and in a great deal of dsicomfort with a fair amount of pain, and although I knew it would pass, whether I lived or died just didn't matter at that time. Another time was during the student election, when I was running myself ragged, but I was kicking ass and, although it was farcical, I was running the best campaign that SFU has ever seen, and I realized that if I keeled over right then, it would be okay.

Now I am having a lot of moments like this. I have accomplished something great, I have sorted out my gender issues, solved a tremendous riddle, slashed the knot in half. So that's good, and it comes with a feeling of release. But it also comes with a new, seemingly (perhaps, in some cases, actually) insurmountable, sets of problems. Looking out over a high bridge or from a window, precipitous heights no longer scare me. And so I think if I pause when crossing the street; if the truck driver doesn't see me; doesn't stop; would that actually be that bad? My friends and family would miss me. That would be terrible. But would that actually be such a pain in the ass for me?

Please understand that I don't actually want to kill myself. I want this phase of things to be over. Or at least I want to take a rest. I want to fall asleep, or be put in cryo-stasis, and wake up in a month or thirty to see that things have been resolved, or at least not gone untended. Confer: the2005 farcical election: I was exhausted, but the end was not coming soon enough, so I was both pleased and looking for a way out, and acknowledged that death wouldn't actually be bad right then. Gender then: as long as I'm conscious and alive, the problem remains. So I can't rest - I've tried to rest, tried not to care, or to trick myself out of what I want, even for a morning, but that doesn't cut it. There is no rest for the weary.

It's clear that I need a better way of dealing with this. I'm hoping that tangible on the medical front will prove a relief. Still, I'd rather be able to provide my own relief, independent of outside factors.

A lot of this has to do with last year:

Last year scared me, and I've been overcompensating. I was unemployed with a few hobbies, and a lot of frustration at how my plans to fix my life weren't playing out. Now I've done full time student with calculus homework, part-time job, sporadic volunteering with three groups, illustrating, and, of course, transition. Too much.

Yeah, this is definitely playing in to the need for a rest. Good to sort that out.

So. As an alternative to cryo-stasis: cut the job; take easier/fewer classes.

Anyone want to go hit a mountain cabin for a week?

G'night.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

running away from the circus is excellent.

1) sometimes I wonder if you don't need to change your gender, you just need to change your SEX.

2) draw me things for QWIK.

I need to know what you want for QWIK.
What do you want me to draw?
I assume a variety of:
body types (age, weight, race)
gender expressions
kinky activities (numbers of people, traditional, fringe, light, heavy)

What do you want to do with it?
Where will it go? How big should it be? Black and white or colours? If so, which ones?

art for the bbs, things that can be potentially used for banner forums. b&w or minimal, strong colour use.

Sex. Yes. I remember saying to a doctor that my gender is just fine, it's my sex that's an issue - that's their job.