I need to close this disjuncture and tell someone

[the_fantastic_ms_fox]

I had a lot of fun tonight, and very much enjoyed dinner.

I'm having authourity issues. I'm chipped off over a variety of things: work, school, relationships, health care, living-space. I realize that this is because I have, in all of these cases, put myself in a position where I give someone else a great deal of power that's aimed at my life, and they tend to do things with this power (and, by extension, my life) that I think are stupid (and by extension, disrespectful).

I have the tendency to stew in my anger, to leave it unresolved in favour of mulling over how it could be resolved. I substitute the feeling of fixing something that comes with thinking about fixing it for the feeling of fixing something that comes with actually fixing it. This is because I'm a member of a symbol-thinking species. There's the world, and in the world is our brain. The world flows in and out of our brains through symbols and ideas. Our desires are not for the things that we think we desire, but their symbols. If we cannot find resolution in life, we turn to hypotheticals or fantasy. The symbols that come out of imagination may not be as potent as those that come out of reality, but they're a lot more reliable.

One step towards resolution is bringing these things up with other people - getting their advice, or at least finding out that I'm not crazy to be pissed off. I need to state that I am angry and there is a problem.

So I'm going to bitch. It's an LJ trope, but this space is mine.

School: I'm angry at profs who do not appreciate that their course is only one of several in my life, and that my career is only a part of my life, and that school may be an end in itself, and a means to a career, but, for me and most of the class (unless all 75 of us are going to be professors), school will not be a career in itself. I don't mind the work - in fact, I often enjoy it. I do mind the busy-work. I mind the redundant material between classes. I mind deadlines that are early because the prof wants to have a longer vacation. I mind writing papers that no-one will ever read. I mind reading papers that no-one would ever want to read. I mind prioritizing academic journals over every other form of knowledge. I mind that, when it comes to cultural studies, there is nowhere to go to concentrate on applicable knowledge - although I recall that the Jesuits have an academy in Montreal that actually teaches politics.

Work: I'm angry at the master metalworkers who use the shop on weekdays and who drop garbage on the floor and leave cables tangled because their time is too valuable [read "too experienced" - read "possessing seniority" - read "not necessarily any good, just old, as evidenced by the fact that they befoul their workplace to the point where it appreaches unusability"] to spend time cleaning up after themselves. I don't mind sweeping up, emptying the trash, and taking care of wear and tear in the shop - actually, I think I enjoy it. The problem is that I feel like they're making me do work that they really should be doing if they want to be productive, but they feel it would be beneath them. I do not consider myself to be their lesser, and do not appreciate being treated as such.

Relationships: Regarding Erin, I am hurt and angry, and have been for awhile. This said, I'm having some success in finally resolving this. I've avoided discussing this with anyone because I'm just not used to talking about things like this, and am wary of starting a social avalanche that will bury us both. That I've felt hurt and angry and have had a hard time resolving it is neither confidential, nor is it in dispute, nor is it intended to cast blame.

Gender: I'm angry at doctors who can't assess me (even though I could assess patients at this point - more on this later), and take their fucking time giving me a referral, and bill the government for this service. I'm angry at a social system that shoves people into gender roles without asking their opinions. I'm angry at the lack of androgynous names. I'm angry at myself for not sorting this out when I was younger. I'm angry at god. I'm angry at half-assed medical science that can't do what I want done. I'm also a bit scared that maybe I haven't resolved everything that I need to resolve. This crops up every time there's an obstacle. There's something going on here, but I don't know what it is. Another indisputable: I'm at the point where I want the social aspects of gender dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. I want gender to be nothing more than a hobby: some people speak Klingon, others enact conventional gender roles. To the latter, I wish a hearty "QaplaH!"

Living-Space: (I intend to post this somewhere where it will be more visible)
For all of Jhayne's guests (who art legion in number). I do not recognize you by your voice when you call. I do not know where Jhayne is. I do not know when she'll be back. If you want her to get a message, email her. Please do not leave things at our house (especially food) without telling either Jhayne or myself that you have done so. If you fail to do this, Jhayne will assume that the mysterious half-empty box of instant mashed potatos belongs to me, and I will assume that it belongs to her. Most importantly, please clean up after yourselves. Or I will kill you.


I need to tell these things so that I can fix them. I don't know why it works like this. I do know that I can't, or rather shouldn't, keep them to myself anymore. I'm not a cowboy or a samurai and am tired of enacting their style of stoic silent self-reliance. I grew up learning (falsely) that I could not rely on anyone else for emotional intimacy. This has to end.

Comments

[plaidalicious.livejournal.com]

The problem is that I feel like they're making me do work that they really should be doing if they want to be productive, but they feel it would be beneath them. I do not consider myself to be their lesser, and do not appreciate being treated as such.

Wow that one struck a cord with me. Damn. I feel like slapping the people at work who treat me (and others) this way. OF course, given my recent promotion, that doesn't happen to me so often now, but I know one instance that is occurring where a repeated power trip has someone on the verge of quitting. It makes me sick.

Also: I know I've called for Jhayne excpecting you to recognize my voice and/or asking some of those questions in the past, and I am sorry. In my defense, generally it has been based upon her telling me it would be okay to call beforehand. I hope I've cleaned up after myself when I've been over, although I think I've left a plate a couple of times. I think we all forget that we art legion. I apologize.

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

Cleaning is an interesting one. There's a contract where you're being hired to do this thing that you're good at, which is to clean up. There's social stigma to the work itself, which gets into your head sometimes. Other times, people actually *do* treat you badly-- they won't talk to you on equal terms, etc. Good to differentiate the two.

[mocks.livejournal.com]

Can one rely on others for emotional intimacy and build killer robots? 'cause both of these are useful, productive activities, but I'm concerned that overemphasis on only one of them could lead to a deficit of the other.

Also, I don't know if I ever mentioned it to you, but for a while I was resolved to stop assuming gender when I addressed somebody. See, I enjoy using titles and last names (Ms. Holmes, Senator Fox &c), but I thought that instead of the occaisionally troublesome Mr. and Ms., I would start prejudicing an individual's predilection towards physical or intellectual activites by affixing Doctor or Colonel to their name of choice. My parents, for example, would be Dr. & Cn. Taylor & Elias, which I think is totally cooler than their traditional appelations. The Thomas siblings would be Dr. Cn. Dr. Dr. Thomas Thomas Thomas and Thomas, which is even better. Plus, there's plenty of room for expansion should modern science discover new ways to categorize our activities.

[bthomasac.livejournal.com]

Well, I have always wanted to be referred to as "doctor." Since it is the second, it would appear that the one "colonel" in my family is Alex, though I think that honorific would be more appropriate for Gwyn.

[mocks.livejournal.com]

Er, yes. Quite. For some reason, I felt that reverse seniority was the most simple and logical order to put that in. Ahem.

[bthomasac.livejournal.com]

Fair enough. Whatever works for you.

[legacyofty.livejournal.com]

We need to hang out soon, for multiple reasons, but mainly because I enjoy your company, yet am often too caught up in the social maelstrom of large gatherings that I enjoy surrounding myself with to sit back one-on-one.

I like this post, but I may just be a moth who is drawn to the wrath of flame. Talk to you soon.

[avanbarb.livejournal.com]

some people speak Klingon, others enact conventional gender roles.

this is the best thing I've read in a long time.

maybe not comforting, but honest.

[bloodykitty.livejournal.com]

School: -this is why i do not go to school. it could never be more than a hobby, and it's too expensive for that.

Work: -i get pissy with the servers who can't even be bothered to rinse their dishes, even when we're really really slow and they haven't anything else to do. they come into my kitchen and make messes, don't clean them up, and five minutes later make special requests i grudgingly cater to.

Relationships: -you're allowed to be hurt and angry. you're even allowed to express that, in detail, to your intimate friends.

Gender: -doctors have a lot of responsibility placed on them. if they make mistakes, the consequences can be disastrous. changing ones body in such a drastic way can fuck up a LOT. it might be better for most people if they're slow.

-please tell me you're not blaming 'society'. how completely meaningless. it is not conscious. it is not out to get you. it will change with time. you'll just have to be a trailblazer. asking people to challenge their own accepted ideas of how to identify themselves and others is always going to be an uphill battle. if it's any consolation, it's better here than most other places. after all, i have reasonable reproductive rights, i'm allowed to vote, and i'm allowed to tell my father or husband he's full of shit.

-upset is situational, maybe you'll feel better when you're feeling more resolved.

Living-Space: -you must recognise me. i'm so annoying.

Honesty is good.

[hundun.livejournal.com]

The issue I'm having with doctors is not so much waiting or assessment as the complete absence of any kind of resolution or feedback. They're not telling me "You need to take your time" so much as "So you were referred here? Uh... how about I send you to someone else... but not right away." - and we pay for this buck-passing with our tax dollars.

I'm not blaming society, it just irritates me and I have days when I want to obliterate it from orbit. (Remember to vote for me.)

Cheers.

[algae-al-fresco.livejournal.com]

living space - I always loved the little cross-stitched notes above toilets saying things like 'if you wobble when you wee-wee be a sweety and wipe the seaty'

hehe. yeah. perhaps a lovely sign that you can gesture towards occassionally when people enter that advises them to bring their foods with them or notify you...I'm sure there's a way to do that in an amusing fashion.



[aside] I think I do number 2 on your list in the washroom...or was it three...can't remember exactly[/aside]

[greenstorm.livejournal.com]

If you sprinkle when you tinkle...

[spaz-own-joo.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure whether we're close enough for this to seem appropriate, but I'm available if you need an ear, an eye, or an arm for any reason. Jhayne has my number - you're allowed to call at 4:00AM if you need to for any reason.

[hundun.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

(I had a wonderful internet moment as I tried to remember who the hell you are.)

[spaz-own-joo.livejournal.com]

I don't blame you - i post in this thing maybe every two months.
It's mike levens from SFU though. Just in case you got the wrong idea.

Hugs.