I'm not sure what to blame for this fatigue. Or credit it. You see, I don't mind this state of exhaustion.

It could be going back on hormones. Or rather androgen-blockers: upping their dose made me tired before, and now I'm going from zero to full in the matter of a week.

It could be jet lag.

It might be a delayed reaction to anesthesia.

It almost certainly has something to do with recovering from surgery. There are wound cavities in my head, measurable in square inches that are now knitting themselves back together.
Or it could be an end to my work. I walked into my old office and saw someone at my desk. It wasn't until a couple hours after that that I felt truly spent. I don't think this the main cause, so much as the trigger: I have the feeling that I was holding back on resting until I felt my job was done, which it now is.

It is good to take a break.
I find that I automatically resist the idea of "taking a break." But it is time, and I think it feels good.

I'm too bound up in the feeling of "being useful." I feel that I always have to be doing something, even if that thing is a waste of time.

And so I would take time off, but keep busy, often doing things that I don't really enjoy. In this way, I could both do little, and feel spent.

I guess that it's not so much that I need to stop, it's that I need to learn to stop.

So first I learn to lie on the couch and read. I haven't really read in years, at least not on the couch. I'd read for class, to pass time on a trip, or on the internet.



August 2017

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