It seems that every time I've meet someone who I go "shit, I wish my body looked like that," that person will have been thinking about taking testosterone. 
I've had the flu this week, and it sucked.

Perhaps this sounds obvious to you. But to me it was not.

Last year, I was lying on the couch hacking up phlegm and thinking "My. This is unpleasant. I would like for this to be over."

Then I realized that this was unprecidented. In the past, as long as there was no pain, I'd never objected to being sick. I just acquiesced.

I am one of many people who've dealt with living in the wrong gender and body by staying in a state of partial dissasociation for most of my life. One where you don't put together ideas like "having the flu is no fun," "being cold is unpleasant" or "wow that hurts, maybe I should see a doctor."

When you and your body don't talk, the flu becomes an interesting cascade of altered body functions, no better or worse than the default operating state. I had the flu a couple years before changing my sex and I remember thinking was hhhhow currrriiouss, I seeem to be shhhakking tooooo haardd to   tyypppe nnooormmalllly. II cooould bareeely siiit uupp eeaarlier..  Thiis iis unnnusuallly bbad. Iiif ittt ggetssss woorse, II suppppose I should telll soommeonnne.



I've heard transition described as "not male-to-female or female-to-male, but robot-to-human." Getting accustomed to a full spectrum of human experiences really is like watching Mr. Data on Star Trek getting his emotion chip installed.

When I don't see people I know and like, I get lonely - new

I am happier when I go outside now and then - new

My body seems to prefer healthy food over unhealthy food - new


Transsexuals aren't the only one to break the link between wearing a body and being in it. You can see similar behaviour, and similar pleasant surprise in learning to overcome it, in many people who've had some sort of bodily trauma that they stop or process, be it acute or prolonged
I'm not sure what to blame for this fatigue. Or credit it. You see, I don't mind this state of exhaustion.

It could be going back on hormones. Or rather androgen-blockers: upping their dose made me tired before, and now I'm going from zero to full in the matter of a week.

It could be jet lag.

It might be a delayed reaction to anesthesia.

It almost certainly has something to do with recovering from surgery. There are wound cavities in my head, measurable in square inches that are now knitting themselves back together.
Or it could be an end to my work. I walked into my old office and saw someone at my desk. It wasn't until a couple hours after that that I felt truly spent. I don't think this the main cause, so much as the trigger: I have the feeling that I was holding back on resting until I felt my job was done, which it now is.

It is good to take a break.

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August 2017

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